I have a pretty good idea on who I am and so does the world for that matter. I am not that easy to get along with and at times I am highly irrational I like to tell the world it is because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish it was my heart but at times it feels like my soul. Opening myself up to a growing frigid world.
After one of our many, many disagreements I looked at my husband and told him it was ok if he didn’t like me, not many do. For whatever reason I was sent here with no inkling as to the reason why. I am going to honour my family no matter how hard it gets. I know to some it may seem lazy but let me tell you it takes a lot of work.
To not let the disgruntled looks of a partner who is always displeased with me to the hurtful words that he is sure to want to say. At times it takes a lot of strength to want to stay here even though I believe it may be easier to walk away and leave.
How can I turn my back on those that I have come to love. I mean come to love truly with the depths of my whole soul. Every second of every day is spent caring and tending to their needs to ensure that they are safe, comfortable and able to flourish that it hurts immensely every time I spin my wheels because there is no relief around to be seen.
I am jaded and when I get that way I stay that way like I finely machined cog that is necessary in order for the machine to work. I stay the course. I put my nose down and move forward knowing full well what would happen if I allowed myself to be cut open and emptied out to bleed. My purpose in life has now become to learn about the purpose of others that have lived in this world around me at a time that I am not privileged too and I am unsure of the reasons why.
In this world there is a true chance that we will move away from our own authenticity and in doing so no chance of salvation will be found for you and me. If there was a goal for us to accomplish while we are all living it would be to love one another endlessly instead of bashing another’s heart in just to make them bleed.
Some people’s goal in life is just to make you hurt and they get bonus points if they are able to make you squirm too. Did you see how so and so reacted? LOL she cried and ended up ruining her make-up what a joke she is too society why can’t she just pick up and leave? Over and over again these taunts will ring out just to get a reaction out of you and they won’t stop coming for you until you are 6 feet under the dirt.
Good people are good to ALL people and not just good to the ones that they can keep under their control. I have never stayed around long to experience this type of negativity. My heart is too fragile to want to stay around and try to believe.
I will bite my tongue and try to honour my husband even though I choke on my own blood trying to hold my breath. Everything I say will be taking out of context and used against me because that is the intentions of those around me as they try to sway others to believe. People believe I share my story to get accolades or attention but all I am trying to do is get this mess out of me. I don’t want this energy to fester and turn into something else like a cancer there is no cure for our a blood disease that is me.
It’s not for approval or likes that makes me share it is the hopes and possibility that there is somebody out there like me. Somebody who is holding on to the vows and sanctity of what should have been a happy ending instead of this turmoil and conflict that makes everybody bleed.
How does one move forward when there is a different clash of personalities. The person that I am inside affects my husband like a slow irritating rash. At first it becomes annoying but you think you can still handle it then all of a sudden before you know it you are scratching your skin off making it bleed. That is who I am to most of the world. This annoying irritation that most wished would just leave.
So if that is who I am to the world then I need to focus on shutting myself off. If I am the joke and one liner at every party then I won’t leave my house again, never to be seen. If all I am in this world is hated by many then what is the sense of trying anymore? I cry so much when nobody is looking that I can hardly breathe.
There is something to be said for this time of my life that feels so isolated and lonely. I am scared to open up to anybody anymore because in the end all they do is leave me. Once they know who I am it is easy to hate me. I am just a monster of a human who has gotten lost in my attempts to honour my own identity.
I hate what gets said about me by people who don’t even know me. I wish they would give me a chance to be a part of something instead of believing all the lies being said about me. All I ever wanted was a chance to fit in and what I got in the end was my candle being blown out with my future looking dim with no possibility in the future of girls like me being able to win.