Mean Girls

The thing about mean girls is they don’t care who you are they just want to be above you. Your allowed to come out and play but don’t step on anybody’s toes. Only the strongest survive.

Sometimes when others are so driven our animalistic instincts kick in. Our drive to survive gets pushed to the forefront as we engage in the most awful activities just to see ourselves thrive. Imagine that existence. That idea that your identity is only validated because of those people you decide to keep close.

That climb to the top that we believe that we are privy to but the reality of it all is not many will survive the climb. Some don’t know how to delegate responsibility and they will fester and rot at the bottom before making that ascend into the clouds.

Think about the activities one engages in just to stay relevant. We don’t care who we hurt just as long as we get the upper hand. We don’t consider the blood, sweat and tears that goes into realizing ones dreams we just see the end result of all that work and that is what we want to destroy.

This is what I ran away from. I hate women who pretend they are there for our domestic abuse survivors but truly they don’t even give a f*ck. They can look dead cold into the eyes of a woman who is being abused and call them a slut, turn and laugh about said woman to their friends.

They never consider the amount of abuse and manipulation that goes into winning a woman over especially one that has a habit of doing it over and over again. Scorned because she ended up with your ex don’t you think you should warn her about the abuse that is for sure to come?

This was my eyes wide open moment. The moment when I couldn’t believe the vileness of woman that I found myself in. To beat another woman down who is just reaching for a hand. I couldn’t imagine holding another’s head in the water watching them as they drawn. It goes against anything and everything that I stand for and it brings this obnoxious bile fill up n the back of my throat.

Maybe life would make more sense if we had some sort of idea what we are doing here but we aren’t able to access that information so blindly into the future we get pushed down so unwillingly we go. We need to protect and honour the mind that comes alive each day and stop trying to bend it and contort with all those ideas that are out of ones cnotrol.

Mean girls, oh mean girls why do you exist? There are certain moments of my childhood that I can never, ever let go. The taunts, the jeers, the sideyes everything other women engage in just to make you cry. The fear that came having to go to school each day froze my insides to a point where I could hardly ever go. So I skipped class. I became one of those. Skipping away from the years of my life that I would have no choice but to mourn for one day.

I miss my youth and all the promises that I thought were made for me. A future full of hope and promise and a loving family to help me get through all the years. I can’t believe how fast it all fell away when I moved away to school. No more dinners, holidays or even thanksgiving as the years began to separate us the divide became to great.

I don’t try to stay in touch anymore because it is just waisted energy so what is even the point. I used to want to pour my heart out in order for me to get some sort of sympathy but all my tears were wasted so I turned my back and ran.

Forgiveness means nothing when you think of the space that is between us. Why pretend that we have anything in common or each other’s best intentions at heart when it took merely 2 decades to forget all of it. I don’t pretend like it will one day be ok or that there will be space in my future or we will even find the words to share and say. What I have come to realize in this moment is that nothing or nobody is promised and it is more than ok if you have to walk away.

I was a mean girl to those who were close to me but I was doing what was necessary in order for me to survive. Nobody understood the abuse and the torment that was endured to me and it came really hard to find anybody to relate too. How could anybody understood what was happening to a 13 year old. Everyday I was getting cigarettes put out on my body and my ex would bite me everywhere just to prove that he was in control.

That torment became too much. The abuse that I was happening at home and all the jeers and taunts that were happening at school. I became a coward. A shell of the girl I was born to be as I learned to keep my head down and not make eye contact with anybody around.

I hated myself so much and I was barely a girl. Nothing nice was said about me as I was left alone in the world. With nobody to talk to I spent most of my days alone. It took everything I could just to want to stay alive here when it could have been easier to leave and make that final journey home.

In hindsight we might have lived our life all different. I am thankful it wasn’t all recorded and played over and over again on social media. I see what the mean girls do and it makes me want to cry. It hurts my heart immensely when another teenage girl feel her only option is to die.


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