What I want the world to know is I was sexually active with my boyfriend that night before he raped me leaving me pregnant forever changing my future and who I was destined to be.

I just wanted somebody to like me because nobody did. I didn’t fit in anywhere. I was painfully shy and didn’t know what to say. Words escaped me in ways I can’t even begin to explain and I am so thankful that there was no internet because the Trolls would have devoured me whole.

What they don’t tell you when you are young is that you don’t have to have sex to fit in. You don’t have to have sex to be liked. In fact the right person will come into your life and love you for everything that you are. They won’t want to change you or make you cry or see you hurt. In fact they would move Heaven and Hell water to lift you out of the mud and dirt.

Another thing that they fail to mention is once you give your consent to somebody that means that you always will. You can’t change your mind. You can’t decide that you hated the way you felt during and afterwards. Dirty and used. That the love you were searching for was nothing like you had hoped but what do you do? Where do you go and who do you become so you just decide to conform.

My decision to have an abortion as a kid was at the hopes of having a better life but here at 43 I find myself crying begging to know the answers why I was forced to live this life. You know how many bottles I drank to the bottom of or how many different drugs I tried. Everything I did was out of desperation to numb the hurt that was happening on the inside.

I can’t handle being lied to. The very thought is driving me insane. I just want an honest life. I am being honest to the Universe and I am sorry for all the gifts that I was given that I wasted but I was just a kid. How was I supposed to know how I would feel after everything that I sacrificed,trying to please a family that was always destined to hate me.

I can’t listen to this anymore. The fear of hearing all the ways that people in my life hate me just chills me to the core inside. Is there anything I can do to be forgiven for all the mistakes I have made? I feel desperate, scared, sick and confused.

What do the doctors say? Medicate. Medicate. Medicate. Make yourself numb. If I have to become numb is there even a point to live. I cry because I am hated. I am hated because I cry. What do I do? Where do I go? Who to I become when the life I lived has already ripped apart my soul?

Some of the most painful moments of my life have come at the hands of people I love and I can’t move towards forgiveness. I know my family think that what happened to me happened because I was a slut but it wasn’t. I was with somebody who abused and at times tortured me because I knew who he was as a person would protect me and my sister from the bullies at school.

I know why I am hated and why I am incapable of being loved. I just wish people would stop teasing me because of these reasons. I try to be strong but inside I am so broken it hurts. Then I get ridiculed for crying and then all I want to do is die. How much longer do I have to pay for my sins? I am so sorry. I was a kid and didn’t know. Didn’t know how to be anything but terrified and scared.

I like the idea that we can control who we are destined to be and we can control how we allow other people to treat us but what happens when you are too weak inside? Truly. That desperate struggle for power to see who wins only to both lose when it is all over because nobody was ever in control.

I am trying to imagine myself in complete darkness to see what it is my body needs. I feel numb and polluted by the negative thoughts of others and I am unsure how on Earth I am ever going to feel clean. Remove myself from the situation is all I can think of but then what comes next? What lies ahead? As we all move one day closer to oblivion how are we supposed to know.

What I want the world to know is that they shouldn’t believe everything that was said about me, that some things were said in order for another being to feel whole and some things were done in order for me to feel accepted in a cold world.

I need to change my surroundings once again instead of treading water in one place. Nothing is ever going to feel sane here after everything that has happened and said. My heart and head hurt knowing what is coming next if I just sit around and wait. I know that I am not sure myself how much more of this I can take.

Rip off the band aide because the time is here. Don’t believe those who are incapable of change whose words that they speak of just falls on deaf ears. Its in the heart of the manipulator to always have the last word. That is why I am hear to encourage you not to believe everything you have just heard. Confusing isn’t it? So is my brain. I am pretty sure I am going insane.