When Depression Wins

I wonder what it would take for people to just shut up and be kind. I am not talking about talking under your breath I am talking about shutting up all together.

I get it we weren’t born to be kind. Most of us believed that we were born with that silver spoon in our mouths even though we were born into a family that was dirt poor. From a young age we learn to steal and take what we believe to be ours. We don’t care if we hurt another in the process as long as I got mine and my belly is fed.

It’s horrible who we have allowed ourselves to become acting so depraved. I don’t believe that we were supposed to be privy to all this in fact I think for most of us this will push us into an early grave.

My body aches in places I didn’t know even existed as I struggle to get in just a little bit more air. It is almost impossible to not hate who I have become when I am forced to listen to this all day. I am disgusting, lazy and good for nothing how my family would be better if I just went away.

I cry all the time except for when my son looks at me and I wonder how life got this bad and if it is possible for me to run away. My mentality is one where I don’t want anybody else close to me. Why keep those around me who only want me to be the butt end of their jokes. There is something that happens to the body when they are continuously forced to live this way, I can’t explain it but I long to be anybody else.

My shallow breaths remind me of our beloved cat who just left us and I can’t help but wonder if maybe I am next. There is so little regard to all the things that could make me happy that I wonder what I am doing here, have I begun to rot and decay?

It’s only a matter of time before the insults have started and before I feel like I am good for nothing all over again. I can barely move my body from room to room how I wish I could be anywhere but here. I know what will happen once it has all been started and I am pushed into the corner all over again.

I just want to live my life happy. I just want to live my life simple. I don’t need to be reminded in all of the ways that I live wrong. I couldn’t imagine being loved and accepted for who I truly am. I couldn’t imagine being accepted for all the damage and trauma that my life brings.

Everything I am proud about I get insulted for until I am brought down to my knees. It’s like living in quicksand with your head just barely above it all. You can’t really move, all you can do is breathe. I am scared to do anything because of what might eventually get said. Imagine living this life with all this negativity living in ones head.

Its ok. For as weak as I appear I am actually stronger. I no longer let the wool get pulled over my eyes. If you were deceitful to me in this life you will never get a chance to ever be near me, not in this life not ever again. I believe the choices we each make are the ones that were necessary and were made for us so what choice do I have but to turn around and leave. If you hurt me it was because it benefited you in some way and that tidbit of knowledge is all I will ever need.

I can easily walk away from anybody who has the propensity to be mean. Those people who chose drugs and alcohol over family, well I don’t have to tell you how it is you know where the door is. Imagine an existence where all you were was your relatives now let that sink in before you decide to walk that plank. I have little contact with those people we are supposed to call family. In fact, there are only two people that I speak to these days and there will probably never be any more.

Apparently everybody else is too busy just living their lives. Nobody has it in them to be friends with somebody who is manic and depressed so these days it is best to keep to myself. In this void there is very little human interaction, well I try not to consider the husband because he hates me in kind.

As hard as it is to say I know who it is I am to become and I don’t need all these naysayers giving me their two cents. If their is distance between us you know why. All I ever wanted to do was live an existence where I could be kind. I am tired of always being on the defense but I think that is where I might always be. I need to do more for this time that I find myself living in. I need to do more so that I can feel free.

Doing more means doing more in isolation because the rest of the world doesn’t have a chance of ever understanding. What I love about life is all things that are alive and not the monster that we keep hidden away inside. I can feel that vibration wanting to lure me back in but I didn’t come out kicking and screaming just to once again lose everything.

The only things that can be taken away or by those people that you allow to get too close. I don’t know about you but if you have proven to me over and over you ability to be kind I don’t think it is possible for us to ever see eye to eye again.


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