To Conceive Again?

That age old question and as I peer down the hill at the ripe ol age of 44 I am not sure if this is a journey that I will ever be privy to again but I have always held out hope. I mean didn’t I always dream of a big family when I was a little girl before all of my hopes and dreams got ripped away.

Our birthing story was chaotic. I had no idea our story was to ever end up that way. Thankfully from the grace of what could have been God I was bestowed the opportunity to live another day, unfortunately there were others that had done the thing before me but unfortunately for them it was never meant to be.

How did the Doctors at Foothills emergency now EXACTLY what was required to do? Because a week before I seized another lady had done the exact same. I don’t know if she had any underlying conditions but we know now that I am anemic with hero blood (o negative). What that means for me is anybody in this world can accept my blood to save them but there is only one type of blood that can do for me the same.

Everybody around me says that I should be happy for having a seemingly happy and healthy little boy and I am BUT there is something that pulls at my heart strings when he rolls over and looks at me asking for a sister right before he went to sleep.

I wish me and my husband got along better. It becomes hard to conceive a child when there are too many emotions and feelings in the way. I can’t help this feeling that he is not being honest me but I keep my chin up in the hopes that today will be a better day.

I think we may have taken too much here but I will be the first too admit I love this life. I love the way it feels when an animal in my care finally accepts me and gets the most comfort anytime they find themselves in the company around me.

Strange isn’t? Where most people are so willing and able to get their rocks off I sit in the shadows hoping to become more obsolete. I don’t want to compete with anybody. I think that is the main difference between you and me.

My family, although not perfect, I would honour them all until I take my last breath. Sure I am aware that not everything is idealistic but if I have to put my eggs all into one basket I am grateful that they are there.

The problem with conceiving a child is we are bringing into this world a new life. We are bringing along all that hope and possibility for a bright future that can only be done between people when the feelings are right.

I wonder what would happen if we bring to life another being when our relationship and life is less than perfect. It isn’t about trying to save something but to bring into reality another child before my womanly premonitions sink through.

Maybe it is my maternal clock I hear ticking that is pushing me towards a new life. There is something so calming and absolute perfection when there is a new sprout that has taken the opportunity to break through the dirt in order for it to get new air.

At 44 I don’t know if I can handle a new life with all of the bottle feedings scattered throughout every night however, I can’t help my thoughts from wondering if life just might be easier now that you are here.

To have a potential companion in life to give you comfort when I am no longer here seems like a potential blessing to me. I will hope and pray for the answers to come in all the ways that nobody can see.

In a world where you are either in the pasture or you are sitting on the fence what is one to do? There is always my age that comes into play and is a factor when you consider how unhealthy my last pregnancy was on any given day. Could I risk my life again with the promise of a new life? I don’t know. There is a peace of you that stays missing every time you take your last breath and go.

Who am I decide what has always been predetermined by the Universe? The longer I prolong the inevitable the further away from my hopes and dreams I become. I wish it wasn’t so but time is not on my side and the more time that passes the less likely I am to ever feel whole again.

Not that I am one to worry too much about the inevitable. I have given the Universe a chance to see what she had in store but maybe it wasn’t the right time and it is time to try again? Maybe. I will make that assessment determined on my ability to finally be able to breathe clean air.

Go blindly child into your future and don’t keep worrying about those things that one can not change. What if resistance to our own life path is what gets us into trouble gasping for air and forgiveness as they take it all away.

The power of choice is something we all have and I keep on wondering if I made the wrong one somewhere along this track. I wish life was easier and it made more sense and it was a lot more comforting but I don’t think that life was ever meant to be that way.

That age old question before I have to give it up is if I want to become a mother once again. I don’t know if I have the energy to do it all over but then again I maybe more control in my life now that I have aged.


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