We as humans will do anything to get to the top. Up to and including selling each other out. What we are told is to try and not let the words of others bother us so much but it is a seemingly impossible task to master and therefore do.

I think who we become and what we decide to master will be the detrimental factor deciding on who it is we will end up being. There is so much toxic energy permeating around and I can’t help but wonder how it is this is how we are meant to be. My memories comfort me and carry me to a time that makes more sense and before a time that feels like more me.

My biggest fault is that I am still consumed by the toxic waste that used to be my life. Gravitating towards anybody who would speak to me I would pay no attention to what they were doing with their hands. There is something about that “Girl Gang” mentality that makes me want to turn on my 5 inch heels and run.

I think about friends, when I used to have them, and what caused us to drift apart. In my mind it was always because they always doubted the journey that I had travelled on but would engage in deplorable activities. What makes one deplorable? I think any time they get off watching another bleed. There are mean girls and they find safety in large numbers and that will always be the difference between you and me.

For me if I was to gain knowledge of anybody who was having a tough time at their house I would want to reach my hand out instead of kicking up so much dirt. Then in an attempt to throw your weight around you will encourage others to do as you do.

I hate that mentality. It’s almost like those who weren’t popular in high school want to do everything in their power to be mean. I guess I always suspected that we were always going to be like that gossiping to whomever will listen to our obscenities right before we leave.

I think I believe what they are after and they fact they will never rest until they finally obtain. I saw who they were before the rest of us even saw them coming so that is why I holed myself up in my safe heaven and refused to ever leave.

Nobody comes to visit and I like it that way. I couldn’t imagine polluting my environment with other’s negativity trying to get the best of me before they leave. As a woman I was never going to stop trying and clawing my way to that proverbial top but I was going to be doing it on my terms between you and me.

I try to imagine an existence where we are actually kind to one another where we actually believe that we will get further ahead instead of falling behind. It is rare that we will look behind us to outstretch a well deserved because we see our friend as competition in that forever life pursuit.

I also think about our children and how they fall to the wayside as collateral damage. I can never understand how we can look at our children in such a way. My child is my world, my whole reason for being and I couldn’t imagine thinking or feeling any other way.

I look at my life and think that I have achieved most of what I can so I can relinquish that title and beacon in anyway that I can. This life isn’t meant for me but for my son so I need to do my best to protect and help him in his realization that it is possible to be all that one can be.

My time can be up at any given time. I think that is a fact that encompasses us all. What would you do with your life if you were able to live it differently? I think the only thing I would change would be to have a daughter welcomed into this world. I have dreamed about meeting her since I was a teen. Probably from that moment when it wasn’t our time and she was taken away.

I think I am like almost anybody in this life who believes that I am entitled to more. I don’t know how I am going to get to where I am going but I am always determined to even the score. Not that it is about getting even but it always seems to be laid out that way. Life isn’t golden enough to be honouring just anybody as we all work tirelessly, working our fingers till they bled right to the bone.

I think this is what makes me hesitant to make friends. I know what they are capable of when back are turned and they see an opportunity to level up. Not everybody has your best intentions at heart. There are those beings out there that will do everything just to see you ripped apart.

We as humans were never meant to live in isolation but maybe if we think about maybe we were supposed to do just that. Maybe we weren’t meant to live on top of each other. Imagine a time in existence when people didn’t live this way.

The internet and social media has changed everything making us more incestual. We will lay on flat on our backs for just anybody throwing our lives away trying to even out old scores. We want everything at our fingertips like we were entitled. Only immediate gratification is how we get off.

I don’t know. Or maybe I do. I just sick of those wide open grins where I can count every tooth. From the outside looking in I can see everything. Up to and including your own greatest sin.