Did you ever wonder what it would feel like to execute on your ideas instead of being to scared to move? I mean having the confidence to actually do anything then your life partner cuts you down at the knee. The amount of insults that come out of his mouth are enough to make me want to leave this life but for whatever reason I decide to stay.

The world is a very scary place with people you don’t even know looking to settle the score. It goes beyond those in your general vicinity and nears a territory that most can never believe. You never truly know anybody it seems. You can live with somebody for 10 years and they will still beat you mercifulness just so they can kick dirt up in your face.

All I ever wanted was the truth. That purity of information that has this innate ability to let our heart soar free. It’s a rare quality to find in somebody these days because it has been interwoven into every entity to search for fortune and fame.

Think about it. We almost trust just anybody with our future and life. We want to believe that there is good in people somewhere but it seems like that goodness is few and far between. You have to consider those that get off on pain and abuse. Why do you think in their life they prefer to be beaten in this way. Speaking from a survivor who used to have cigarettes put out on my body and the removal of chunks of skin I don’t see what is so romantic about being dominate for the rest of the world to see.

I have to flood the world with goodness in order to counter balance this so called life. I want to fill my life with light and rainbows and all those other things that brighten when they come alive. There is serenity found in each moment that the day breaks because it is in this moment that my critter room seems to thrive.

I get to bask in the glory that is each moment every time I get to turn on the lights. There are peas, corn, cucumbers and even spinach greeted with the chirps of my canary and budgies and all the other outside birds. My chinchillas are always sleeping as they do most of the activity during the night. My betta fish can’t help himself from dancing as he head butts my pointer finger just to say hi.

Can I tell you what happens when you stop having sex? Nothing. Actually your mind moves towards other activities that you have long forgotten and neglected given you a different type of drive you never thought you have. I think it might be true what they say that sex has this way of rotting our pain. Think about what people have done to obtain it having this uncanny ability to make a sane man insane.

I never understood this phenomenon. I honestly believe that once you have had one you have had them all. Think about it. It’s a juicy hole with an iron hard rod. Doesn’t seem like there is much difference between individuals unless you are only considering the size. It all kinda feels the same doesn’t it? If you consider your partner knows what you are doing. The only time that it has ever felt different too me was with the man who had the ability to change the energy in the room.

When I met him time stopped. Everything I knew suddenly came all about him. I was too scared to ever approach him in life though to see if we were ever a possibility. He approached me though and we became friends. I never saw it coming though then all of a sudden it was the end. I never forget the feeling of knowing him and I compare everybody I meet to him. I know it seems like an unforeseeable reality but there isn’t much more that I could do.

I complain a lot don’t I? Me and my husband are always butting heads. What I adore about this reality is I believe that I found my family and a place to stay. I am so shy around my husband like I became a shell of who I once was. I can’t imagine a time when he actually liked me which seems like an absurdity born in hell.

We are all different people so why is it in life some of us are the only ones that are allowed to get off? There are only a select few that are allowed to leave the starting blocks the rest of will never have a chance. I always wondered why this is the way that life has to be and wonder why more of us aren’t privy enough to the last dance.

Why aren’t more of our lives created equal with the fire coming alive deep in our soul. How come more of us don’t live to our fullest potential to afraid of who it is we may become or maybe it is somebody we are afraid to see.

It is impossible to own ones own authenticity when one is constantly being diluted by every Tom, Dick and Harry and now here comes Jane. Every which way we are tugged and every heart string that is strung doesnt that make us want to shiver and hide deep, down inside of a cave.

That is where I go sometimes too. Too sick and tired of all the ridicule. If I had to go out in such a blaze why did it have to be one like this arent I worthy of receiving the same gifts somehow.

That is the hope and I hope it is in my dreams. I think I have sacrificed enough of the good life not to experience it at least once.