What Gives You Confidence?

What gives you confidence? Like really gives you confidence filling your sails with air when normally you would find yourself struggling to breathe. What about getting that testicular fortitude that you need to carry on, some times that is the only thing out there that one can do.

What we do to each other without even knowing can really affect who we really are. Consider who you are when you are just becoming into be. Trying to be accepted and loved as far as the eyes can see can take a real toll on a human being, wouldn’t you agree?

So what gives us the ability to desire to be all that we can be? To come out from underneath the cover of all the darkness and shadows and let our light shine down upon us so that our self love can find a way. It has to be an unconditional belief that we are worth it no matter what those around us are saying.

My confidence is very fragile it was taken away from me at a very young age. Without it, it was almost impossible to find my own identity so in it’s place I filled it with rage. It seemed like a nightmare that I could never wake up from because no one around me ever seemed to care. My junior year was spent in long sleeved shirts and turtle necks anything to stop the bruises from being discovered and scene.

Its bizarre to think that I would still defend my abuser, that is what happens when they are able to brain wash your brain. They make you believe that you are good for nothing and thinking about a life where you are worthy makes you insane. I guess I part of me always knew it was wrong but he had me believing that nobody would ever be able to love me again. I was 13 and he may have been right.

My life has never been the same after that moment and wouldn’t you believe it now I am 43. 30 years have passed from me and that moment and I firmly believe that I lost everything that day. My Dad dislikes me truly, I have barely talked to him again. It’s like he was the first to believe that I was a good for nothing slut never being able to come to terms with what happened or even try to understand my pain.

My sisters look towards me as a liar saying what needed to be said so that I didn’t get into trouble, partially true. You don’t spend a year and a half with such an aggressive, abusive loser with telling a few lies along the way. I was so badly damaged by everything he was saying and doing to me that everybody forgets that I was still just a baby just a teen. Hence why I see the world a little differently I had to enhance my spidey senses just to survive.

Don’t kid yourself it’s a real thing. Something inside of you that wakes up and tells you to run. I have had a few of these eye opening moments that have always come about anytime I was drinking and probably using drugs. It gets hard when the inhibitions are lowered and you keep questioning if what you are feeling is you actually feeling insane?

Nobody wants to believe that their friends can hurt them but a lot can happen when you are asleep. Are you confident enough to know to walk away when it is happening instead of getting too far deep into a hole? What if you accuse somebody and you are wrong but what if you point the finger at somebody and you are right? That is the risk we all take isn’t it but some are too scared to stand up for what they believe to be right.

A strong sense of self with even deeper roots is the only hope we have of not letting the outside change us into somebody else. To fully realize that we are worthy of love no matter our image that it should be the image that we focus on that brings a smile to our face.

My confidence is fragile. I know that I should be a worthy of a beautiful life than the doubt begins to creep in heightened by the abuse I endured when I was only a little girl need to say more. I am always on pins on needles waiting to get into trouble. It’s true what my counsellor said all those years ago that I love feeling and playing the victim. To some extent that is.

That is where my confidence is tied to. Years, upon years of emotional and physical abuse. It is hard to believe you are worthy of anything else when you have learned to survive in such a way. Everything that happens around you becomes heightened especially the shady under workings of all the entities that came to be.

I am an advocate for the underdog and will never shy away from anything that I believe. Especially if it is something that I have encountered with directly or something that I have heard with my own ears. Not everybody is forthcoming in their desires and actions some will push you under the bus faster than one can even say hi to me.

I just keep trying my best and getting up every time I get pushed back into the dirt. It doesn’t matter to me so much what other people are saying, I keep them at a far away distance that I will never get hurt. There is a feeling that one gets when you are constantly in the presence of dark energy that kind of mantra of not if I get to it first.

I wish this was the time when we can believe the words of others and what is being said. We live in the time of the masqueraded monsters that are constantly coming to terms with their evil deeds and not giving two hoots of what is actually being said.

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