I don’t know what makes me believe that I should keep doing this like anybody out there even cares. I have this idea in my mind that if only I connect with just one person then all the pain and suffering that I have endured throughout the years makes sense and in an indirect way becomes worth it.
I always wondered why my story played out the way it did. Why I was abused over the years to make me run away and never look back. I didn’t care who was left behind because in my mind they were all enablers telling me to accept my lumps as they are due and just keep quiet.
I wasn’t able to go ahead with charges because in the eyes of the law it becomes his word against mine. My parents didn’t want to put me through a trial and therefore testifying so we just swept it under the rug like it wasn’t anything.
What a poor example to plant into a young girls mind. It made me feel lower than dirt like nobody believed me or cared to give me comfort. I lost everything when that happened to me and lord knows I have used my words to try and explain. It is so much harder to live with then I ever could have imagined.
I see now why such turmoil was necessary. I wasn’t meant to spend my days out on the farm. My cousins that I have don’t even know me and it has been too many years now lost to even attempt to cross that void.
We were never close anyways so what would be the point. It would be like walking into a room full of strangers that would spiral me back to when I was 13. It is crazy to think that I used to care for my cousins up until my Aunt told everybody I was crazy. I was scared, beaten and so lost and I was sickened to my stomach listening to all the hateful words said about me.
There was a time I remember “borrowing” a shirt from my Auntie that my mom must have worn. This started a huge fight in and amongst my family that I couldn’t wait to run away from. I couldn’t wait to leave and never come back. I knew what most of the town already thought about me.
I think that is why I was pushed out and away from my family so I can try my best to be somebody before the day comes that I decide to leave. Imagine that feeling of not feeling close to anybody. I lost my footing in this world. I didn’t know where to turn to or even who to believe so I kept my nose pointed downwards and just prayed nobody would notice me.
It goes against everything I do though as I awkwardly put myself out there. Of course I dream of an opportunity that will provide for my whole family but with the way the world is going I am going to assume that is few and far between.
Reflecting back on my life I wonder if there is anybody I might have missed. I can’t keep on trying to get sister’s who are already determined to hate me to want to talk to me and my father has been long gone since our last fight that night. I have to consider whether the connection between families actually means something or will there be a few of us who are always left out of place.
Thinking about the life that I am missing out on I have come to realize that the weight and burden of it all, all weighs heavy onto me. There is a reason why this is the path that I have been chosen to walk on and it shouldn’t matter so much all of those people that I have lost along the way. Real people who love you want to be by your side to celebrate your victories. They don’t want to watch you struggle as you try to do it on your own using their laughter as fuel.
Some people just like the idea of “knowing” you so I have come to plead my case and then forever slam the door. There are those people who knew my story then immediately turned away. Why keep those people around me when I know the struggle that I am going to be met with each day?
I like to imagine a confidant or somebody to share our lives with but even I know those thoughts are best to be left inside of a dream. If we were meant to be friends in this life we would talk instead of scrolling to find out about each other on our social media feed. As hard as this is, it applies to families who would rather cement a relationship with you via their computer screens.
Social media ruined everything as we all try to get paid for doing nothing. It would be a dream to upload a few videos that would one day go viral so I can catify my existing house and live simply. Well live simply by spending a lot of money by improving the house that I already live in. I want to transform my home into a garden oasis complete with birds, turtles and even fish.
My husband say I am crazy but I maintain I relate to life better this way. Words and humans are always playing and taken out of context trying to get a rise out of a person instead of making them feel insane. We are all trying to be the next “it” person so we can sit back and enjoy life as it comes. It’s sad that more of us aren’t born into a life of privilege though, I wonder what an honest person would do with all that financial means.
An animal and plant will never hurt me or climb over top of me just so they can win. Well maybe they will make their needs and presence known in indirect ways but it is only together that we are able to make a happy home.