I have always been pulled into the Underworld that illicit drugs could provide. That uneasy feeling one gets when they are going against all their senses, defying the words that ones parents have laid down over the years. When I was first introduced to the hard world of heroin, crack cocaine and even meth I couldn’t believe the life that was waiting behind closed doors.

The first thing one will tell you is this is where the party happens. This is what will divide the women from the skirt tugging young girls. This is where the money is. If you are anybody who wants to be somebody the drug underworld is the place for you. Here you are safe, somewhat, as long as you are prepared to pay with your future, the ultimate price.

As soon as I started to talk about cocaine my nose begins to bleed. A side affect of another man’s greed. There is a process along the chain that is known as stomping on, which is basically the dealer diluting your substance so they can make more money. The common diluter when I was around was pig dewormer, now shove that substance up your nose. Would you? Would you even consider? That is the problem with the drug trade because it is anything but monitored.

Ray Liotta, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and countless of others made drug dealing cool. I remember watching their movies at a nauseating rate and level knowing that if I was going to be anybody in the world it would be from living a life similar to what they have lived. I forget that they were portraying characters in movies but the reality truly was there were gangsters that did exactly what they were depicting of doing.

I get it now. How so many beings just wanted to feel numb. When it came to getting their accolades in life they were never invited to get in line. I see you and I am sorry. I am sorry that you were cast aside and forgotten about with only your memories at times coming forward in order to help ease some of the pain. To remind of us of who we were before we became broken and the rest of the world threw us away before they even turned to say goodbye.

Drugs seems to be that culprit that can tear a good family instantly apart. What are you prepared to go without so that you can have your fix? Or can you go without in order for your children to finally get what they should. That unconditional love and feeling of them always getting put first. I know we shouldn’t spoil our children but we only get this once chance to kick at the can.

I could chose drugs but instead I chose life. I couldn’t imagine having my melatonin depleted so I just sit around and cut myself up. I am worth more than the life they keep on insisting I have. I don’t care how long I have to prove it because everyday I work hard at proving it to myself.

I don’t miss those days. Those days where I finally roll over and wake up with little to no money left in my account. I wonder what makes it so that I need to spend every last cent that I have. The rational that goes into trying to clear that thinking is the very thing that was making me insane. Oh it’s ok if you spend your last two hundred dollars. You can make it up with staying late after work. Ya right. I hate that place lol I am so thankful for the opportunity that makes it so that I no longer have to go.

I am careful and more than hesitant in this life. If you were somebody who couldn’t wait to get out of here don’t let the door hit you when you go and don’t bother trying to make your way back. It’s ok. That time in our lives is more than over and I have to be honest I am more than relieved to watch you go.

I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I was going to be looked down by everybody but I didn’t care too much for the people around me so I didn’t care too much what they thought about me. I knew in the darkest corners of my heart who I am and what I want to stand for that it doesn’t bother me anymore when I put people on the need to know.

You don’t need to know the inner working of my mind and my family dynamics. You didn’t care too much when I was suffering so why come back for show? What I know is my weakness and I will move Heaven and Hell water to make sure my addiction never defeats me and if I have to live in solitude then that maybe the way for me to go.

I trust nobody anymore not even my own shadow because I see what humans will sacrifice in order for them to keep the upper hand. I don’t believe in that mantra or that mentality as I look for a way to define myself like the waves lapping at the sand.

I don’t hide my insecurities or my Achilles heel and I will tell the world who is listening before I am forced out to leave. Imagine an existence where you are passed over by almost everybody then you realize why you were always abandoned right were you chose to stand.

I am different and I will always be different I don’t need to comply with anybody in order for me to feel good. I feel sorry for those who hang around hoping for a free ride, I have never been able to just sit there and take what was getting thrown at me.