Everyday I get up with this weird sense of entitlement that if I just share my story that my purpose in this life would begin to make sense. So far in this lifetime I am more confused then ever. I have trouble imagining a world that makes sense. How can it? With so many of us wanting to have our voices heard it makes sense that all we hear is muffled cries.
What I have come to realize and accept is that I need to provide to my son the best fighting chance. At least these blogs will serve some sort of purpose if anything happens to me before then. I never thought I would be one to share my tale online. If you ask anybody who knew me from my past they would say that me going public makes sense.
I didn’t like the idea that my friends would tell me to kill myself when I was barely out of my teens. The idea that I had found “my people” and was brave enough to share now they are telling me to hang my neck up by the rafters instead. How can you live with yourself if all this stuff actually happened to you? You’re either suicidal or a liar there is no way you could actually by both.
The hate that followed me was like a curse that was driving me insane. I hated myself, my life, my family and anything else that seemingly got in my way. What the world doesn’t prepare you for is what will happen to you when you become an adult. Your alone. Scared and ridiculed to nauseating levels.
We are just this miniscule speck taking up space and air and eventually when time has fallen away from us is when we will begin to slip away. Nothing that we obtained in this life will we be able to maintain. Imagine that. Everybody we hurt, lied to and stole from will amount to absolutely nothing in the end.
All the insults that was told to me or the abuse that I was forced to endure will mean nothing. All that will be left are my words and the way I decided to share. I want to try and save anybody from having to live a life like me. What was the sense to go through so much hurting? That never made any sense to me.
The mean people. The liars. The cheats. All those people who are just more focused on trying to defeat me. Not just me. They are coming after you too. They will do anything in their power trying to make it so that you believe. Believe that they are better than they truly are and that they have been sent here to help. Let me tell you from personal experience it is the ones that are too kind that will end up putting you through hell.
The scary thing about this all is that we have to be incredibly careful. Not everybody is honest with their intentions some people only care about getting ahead. They will rob Peter to pay Paul and then hit you over the head. They don’t care too much if you are hurting as they turn and laugh it off with their friends.
Some people are cruel saying anything to anybody who will listen. I have experienced these types of beings. You can tell by their mannerisms that they are only out to hurt you and I think it is this mentality that finally pushes me over the edge making me insane. I always feel crazed these days, call it an imbalance to the rest of the world.
Where I find my focus to begin to slip is where I believe that my life is going. I mean that final day when my last breath is had and my chest heaves for the final time. I focus on that day. That day when I am forced to leave all that I accomplished behind. I fear that day and the loss of my fur companions and friends. How can we stop fearing the Reaper when we don’t know where we are going in the end?
I become so focused on the here and now that I never want to waste a second or leave anybody behind. There is no more room to invite anybody into this inner circle because I don’t ever want to fall victim to anybody ever again.
Why give someone an inch when all they are focused on is the mile. I wonder what it would have taken in this lifetime to desire friends that stay around for a little while. Still my heart longs for a connection that runs deeper than the sands of time. I know that this is an impossibility that makes it impossible to even find.
If we do end up somewhere do I want all these fakes and frauds around me in the end? Maybe that is the hell we speak of, those that we thought were our friends. If Heaven exists you have to imagine a space for all. Why would we be forced to spend eternity with those that were only happy and exited to watch us fall?
To me that doesn’t make sense but he Universe is vast and infinite. Maybe those signals we insist we hear from Aliens or another Dimension are just our families know that they made it safely to the unknown.
Wouldn’t that be a real thought to have that somebody would be smart enough to bridge that gap? Houdini used to promise his wife that if there was a way to escape the afterlife that he would spend all of eternity trying to find it.
That is what inflates my life every time I begin to open my eyes, hope. Hope that all that love I had here on Earth will be waiting for me on the other side. I don’t want them to wait to find there serenity and peace. All I want is to know that we will be reunited one day and that all this pain and grief will one day make sense.