I Feel Alone

I feel alone. I feel constantly ridiculed and made fun of like who I am in this life is just a joke for others to get their kicks off of. I have always been that way. On the outside looking in. I am that awkward human being that has no idea what I am even doing in all this skin.

Why I wake up each day and share my story because I don’t want any young girl to ever have to suffer like me. What I have come to know in my abuse and torture was that it was anything but mainstream. Did you know you can have a healthy relationship with other beings in this lifetime instead of made to fee so isolated all you do is cry and scream.

What I want the world to know is that I am not the monster that others see me as I am just tired of having to live with all this pain. Every day I wake to the tears that have found themselves falling and I wonder why I am forced to have to live through this day again.

I can tell you what it feels like to be hated. That insecurity will begin to make you feel insane. Every word that is eventually spoken has been carefully curated to begin to rot my brain. And then it happens. I realize that it isn’t just me that this feeling is privy to. So many living entities will be forced to endure the same.

That fear of rejection of you and your life never being good enough. I couldn’t imagine being wrapped up and thrown away like garbage but wouldn’t you know that is what happened to two of the cats that I was lucky enough to resuce.

The way we treat anything that isn’t ourselves is our greatest sin. I know this isn’t how everybody behaves but I have to believe that this is how the majority of the roost actually thinks. I challenge all other empaths to actually sit still for a minute and actually think. Can’t you feel the loss of life that is continuing to swirl around us as those who are more fortunate have champagne to drink.

Today somebody will gather up their loyal companion and drop them off in the streets. Maybe they don’t want to get caught for what they are about to do so they drive them out to the mountains instead. Some people leave their beloved pets locked in cages not even giving them a chance to even live. Why do I have to live amongst people who are like this when I only have this one life inside of me to give.

Why do you have so many animals is what I can hear a lot of people around me saying. If it wasn’t for me giving up my future in the ultimate of human sacrifices then where do you think that your discarded pet goes on to live? They don’t live. They get sentenced to die all because you wanted to go on vacation or get more drugs so that you can get high.

I cry everyday because all I feel is so much hatred and it is so suffocating at times that I can barely breathe. Why are people so mean to each other? Don’t they know that success is much more easily obtained when we all come together and just live?

I gave up my life so that I can be hated and he will keep on telling me that just isn’t the case. I don’t know what I imagined in a marriage but I can forever promise you that it wasn’t this. I am so sad and so weak and so scared of my own shadow. I wonder how long I can keep on going on in this direction devoid of a friend or companion. I know that I was born different but does that mean that I have to be forced to endure a life like this?

It’s ok I keep telling myself to keep sharing my story in the hopes of saving just one. I know what it feels like to come forward with secrets so dark that people can’t help but hate you because they are too scared of who it is that you were destined to become.

I am tired of being told that I need to be medicated because of how insensitive the world is. I cry when I hear of anybody being abused, murdered or raped. I can feel that pain coursing through their veins. Of course I can’t relate entirely but I know that they must be devastated forever cursing their future and the life they are forced to now live.

All I wanted was a chance so I try to keep my head held high. I know there are days that will be sent to defeat me and I know that there is a chance that every day that I am going to cry. I perfected the art of crying silently so that nobody can ever hear my pain. I know what happens when weakness is exposed and I vowed never to have to live that way again.

I am confused. Hated. Lonely too scared of what lays ahead of me. I know that seems like a contradiction in itself but I did warn you I am one step closer to being deemed insane. I don’t want to play anymore games when the rules no longer apply. I could never understand the need for so many haters watching me as I pass by.

I used to be like you too scared to look up but then I started to realize that when it came to other people’s opinions I shouldn’t even give a f*ck. Turn your back on me once I will make sure that you will never get a chance to change your mind and come back.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s