My biggest fear is I won’t realize my truest potential before I take my last breath and die. It isn’t lost on me that inside of each being is it’s on special entity but for so many that I share this space with they believe they are the only worthy being in this world.
I shouldn’t blanket everybody with such a predetermined disposition. In truth if I spread my wings a little wider I know that I will find the confidence to finally fly. I get stuck in such an obsolete existence that was used to define me before I got my footing in this pubescent world.
The abuse that I endured was nothing. In fact it helped me realize my place. Without something so horrid happening to me I don’t think I would have the drive to want to save my face. It hurt knowing that for a small time a piece of me was thriving inside of me until the ultimate decision was made that it was her time to die.
My drive comes because I lost a baby and I never wanted her sacrifice to be made in vain. I struggled so hard trying to prove myself to everyone when I should have realized that it was my own approval that I needed most of all.
At 13 I lost my Dad. Not in this physical world but our connection was severed and never made possible again. My pain I marinaded with alcohol and tears and my Dad kept on pushing me away because my feelings he could never understand.
When you lose the respect of your ultimate hero you begin to believe all the negativity that is being said about you instead. Was I really a slut for not truly understanding what intercourse was? Please forgive me because I was only just a kid.
What I remember is I got my period in the same Fall year that I met him. I was just a farm girl with no real inclination of where babies came from. I got a crash course in that when the positive pregnancy test came. What another horrible high school memory that will forever be burned inside my head.
It was French class when the announcement rang that I was supposed to report to my School Counsellors Office. I didn’t need him to say anything because the tears streaming down his face confirmed what I already knew.
Was a failure for ending up knocked up in Grade 9? I don’t think so. I didn’t think so then either. I had no idea what was happening to me. I barely understood what being pregnant actually meant. Yes I was that girl. The truth is I remember class mates treating me like a slut when in my heart I was still just a scared little kid.
I would try to kill myself in high school but I was too scared of what would happen to me when I died. I would skip school and hide where nobody would care to look or even find me because I hated what happened to me and what I ultimately did.
It hurt knowing I was a failure at everything. I wasn’t even worthy of keeping my Father’s love. It felt like as soon as he could replace me in his heart with another he couldn’t wait to never talk to me again.
I washed my pain away with alcohol because I was too scared of using drugs. I knew that if I could numb the pain to a point where I could feel free again I would lose myself all over again. The blackouts were the worst but what else could I do to mask the pain. The one thing that kept me trying to be somebody was that I didn’t want my daughter’s sacrifice to be something I did in vain.
If I was going to end up a washed up loser I could have done that with her by my side. The reason why I decided to terminate her pregnancy is because my Father always promised to be my ride and die. He told me that if I had a child when I was a kid I would ruin my life. That’s what made me rise up every morning working my finger tips each day until they bled.
Sure I gravitated towards losers because I believed I was not worthy enough to be loved. I thought if my Dad my hero, my saviour can throw me away what chance did I ever have of finding true love? It didn’t matter how grotesque one appeared as long as they appeared to always have my side.
For as long as I can remember I am the reason why everything eventually falls apart. I am the villain, the anti-hero the one in your life with no heart. If that was true then why do I feel so much pain. There isn’t a day that doesn’t start with the sprinkling of my tears used as rain.
I like to think I am in control of my emotions but what do I actually know? I used to think the bond between a father and a daughter was so strong that nothing could break it but what did I know I was only a kid.
If you would have told me at 13 that by killing my daughter I would have lost everything I think I would have ran. I think I would have ran to a place where nobody could ever find us so I can one day look her in the eyes as I smile and hold her hand.
The promises people tell you are all designed to have minimal impact on their lives. My life was only ruined when my dad turned his back on me and took on his new wife. I will never know a future with my dad by my side. All I can do is tell my son I will always love him as I try to stop the tears from falling from my eyes.