Despite What You Think

There’s this funny game we like to play where our best is just not good enough so we will excerpt what ever power we can find around us so that we can end up with the final say.

People are just like that though. They keep you around just in case. Maybe you will be called upon to validate their existence in some way. Somebody to call down too to reinforce what it is that we are saying and to pollute the world with our memories.

I had a childhood once. I had a family and there was a time when I even had a few friends. My sisters couldn’t wait until they were away from me. I wish I could say that they stuck around me to lend out a helping out but they were the first people to sell me out.

Oh her. We hate her too. Don’t worry about her she’s a nobody. We don’t include her anymore so why should you too.

I felt that sting as I tried to get my barring’s in the world. There was a sense of fear and horror as I realized I had nowhere to go. I kept to myself. I always kept to myself. Anytime I began to trust somebody the ending just didn’t seem to play out right.

There was that time that I thought I had found a kindred spirit in a friend and she tried to filet me like a fish instead. That seemed to be the story of my life with jealousy constantly rearing it’s ugly head. Anybody who saw me as being different had their torch and pitchforks out for me and I would never understood why. Once I was betrayed in such a way I would find it seemingly impossible to reclaim my innocence ever again.

What people are capable of is sickening. We have the power within ourselves to eliminate another being. We don’t think about compassion going a long way when all we can see in front of us is the streets painted red.

Anger used to fuel me but now I can see just how unnecessary that emotion truly is. If I wanted to be somebody in this life it was for my family and now there will be nobody there to meet me when I get there to the end.

I cut off anybody who seemed skeezy because I didn’t want to risk spending the rest of my days with those that go into the forever after because I just want to forget some of you even existed. That’s my fear. If there is life after death how can I get away from some of the most evil beings of our time? I don’t want to be near any of those entities that were awful so I cut them off in this timeline instead.

There are those people who believe that they are the ones to have the final say. These are the ones that claim to validated our existence and tell us when we will be ok. They will host pageants and contests claiming to help the community at hand but the anterior motive that they have that fuels them will make you turn over in your grave instead of getting the rest that you needed at the time.

Why do we need this constant validation by beings that don’t even give a damn. They will use, abuse and even maim anybody anywhere they see fit and anytime that they can. You don’t believe me. Trust me this does happen. Just looking for the damsel with the crest fallen face. The one that longs to be loved and even accepted instead of fearing for her time along in such a place.

I have travelled to these places looking to find my people. My whole life I have been told to surround yourself with those that are most reminiscence of you. Move towards those with similar interests and moral and who put the values of friendships first. I am still the girl who will give you the shoes that I have on my feet if I know that it would make a difference in your world.

My best may not be good enough. Heck my best wasn’t even good enough for me. I guess I should have listened to the doctors when I was only 13. Wouldn’t you know I was anemic even then. Why does she keep talking about this does she actually believe this is why she has no friends? Maybe. I think I want to encourage everybody to be all that they can be.

I don’t let anybody get the best out of me. It’s not that I am a fool or a coward I just don’t need to be accessible to everybody. There are those people in life that are just so miserable all they care about is bringing you down. If they could kick you even further down that path I think they would try.

Sure I feel crippled and exhausted by the weight of other people’s opinions. Some days it takes everything inside of me not to cry and other days I can’t take it anymore and all I want to do is die. I am scared of what a new day may bring. Death, depression, anger, hate. It all sits there waiting in the wings.

If I could do anything differently I wouldn’t do anything different at all. I am ok with the people I find around me the ones that help me up when I do fall. There is no room for second chances. Why keep wasting time with those entities who existence is nearly done.

Done to you for all the pain and torment they have caused you in your life with not ever mentioning a single blessing. I see you, I know you, I have been warned of your short comings and I don’t think I can make room for you this time around. There are those that you wish to keep close to you forever and then there are those that you wish you could stop from ever coming back around.

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