Now this seems like a way to easy question to answer. At friends I put why I have no friends and that simply isn’t true. I do have a few people who care about me but those few are very few and far between.

The first issue I have is trust. It is seemingly impossible for me to just be able to trust anybody. Once you have had the friends I have had loyalty and trust just seem to get in the way. Remember my bestie who tried to gut me with a screw driver? That fear has never left just took up permanent residency in my brain.

Remember that saying sleep with one eye open? That is me anytime someone new is in my house. You have to be careful anytime you let anybody new around your children because only the Lord knows if that is a monster you have chosen to let loose.

Choose your tribe carefully because those you choose to keep around you can bring you to your knees instead. I know what it feels like to be used at a young age. I think that is why at 13 I found myself with my first job. I knew that money made people want to get to know you so I started working my butt off instead.

There is only so much cigarettes and alcohol one can steal before they started asking me to hang out. I swear I will pay you back sometime but that sometime never came. Some of these “friends” would even come to my job to ask me money for beer. How insane! I would give it to them knowing the whole time they weren’t waiting for me to finish work so we can hang out.

I listen carefully to all the lies that people don’t tell you. Those people I wish would just stop coming around. When I find out that true nature and intentions of another it makes me want to cut off everything that is human instead.

Humans hurt all the time. I suffer from the disease of putting my foot in my mouth. It’s like I have no filter when it comes to talking about what is bothering me and I have no problem calling people out. Think about it. Why believe the lies that people already believe about themselves? All I want is a bright future for wherever my son is going and that includes having to weed the bad people out.

I think that is how I found myself in grade 12 looking for a new core group. I didn’t want to be alone and I hated my so called friends. They only called me when they needed something and I needed that cycle of using me to end.

I made my so called best friend at grade school when she was sitting alone all by herself. I could tell that she was incredibly sad and broken how I wish I just turned and ran back to my regular friends. How this one girl corrupted my future to this day I will never know. I guess that is my mistake for befriending somebody older when all I was doing was trying to stop her from being all alone. Big mistake. HUGE MISTAKE.

One friend can change your the course of your whole life this I know. I think this is why I was so jealous and my sister who made connections so easily because I was growing tired of being on the sidelines by myself. There is no finger pointing just myself to blame but wouldn’t you know the truth in the saying that those people you find yourself hanging around is the entity that you will eventually become, so I became.

I hated myself and thought sex was a tool to keep a boyfriend. I didn’t like the idea of having to do what all the other girls were doing but I had this strong sense and desire to fit in. I watched best friends sleep with each other’s boyfriends once the other “friends” back was turned. We would drink, steal and tell our parents off. Oh how I am ashamed of living those those years. I was just trying to survive knowing the monster that I was on the inside at least these people understood me. I don’t think I was shocked when I learned that they didn’t understand me at all.

I think I was revictimized by these girls who saw an opportunity to use me and be cruel. I think that is why I feel so insecure and why I have a propensity for now playing by the rules. It’s like give me a reason to turn my back on you so I can run. There are way too many people whose only concern out there is running a muck and having fun.

So why don’t I have too many close friends is because I find too many people too judgmental. And further to that judgement they couldn’t tell the truth to save their own lives. Why be around people who are so indecisive about their future that they want to take from yours too? I don’t know about you but my inner circle just doesn’t have room.

This has been and will be my tipping point. If my guard has gone up I think there is little chance of it ever coming down. Why keep repeating the same insanity whenever the circus makes their way through town? Honour your senses and the way you feel about a situation and never be ashamed if you ask somebody and it comes to a head.

Real people stick around because they recognize your struggles and they don’t want you to have to go through them alone. They are the one who will bring buckets of water into the dumpster fires finally die down. I am not ashamed in those moments when I have stuck up for myself and for those people that I believe. What I would have been ashamed about though if I would have rolled over and allow these monsters to continue to feed.