My Last Breath

I feel like the world is closing in on me, literally, and I have nowhere to go. Every gasp of air I take to fill my lungs has every nerve fiber screaming in pain. The problem with me is I was never going to let the world see me fail, stumble yes but never fall so far that I would never be able to come back for air.

The problem when you learn to smile through the pain is nobody believes you when you have one foot in the grave. I feel that a lot these days. With every anxiety/panic attack I fear I will never be the same again. I can feel the hate that others have for me oozing from their pores. I shut my eyes tight to stop myself from crying but even I don’t have that kind of power to stop my tears from falling.

When did my life change? When I was 13. I remember it like it was yesterday when the person I thought I could trust hurt me in the most vile and spiteful way. He raped me right there in my bedroom as the tears just streamed down my face. I can tell you that this is not what love is supposed to feel like. I always knew that there was something in that boy that wasn’t quite right.

I cry when I think about my Dad and how I should have listened to him to break up with that boy. I guess I could sense that my Dad didn’t truly care about me. Look how fast he ran when he got the opportunity to finally leave.

That moment when you are violated changes the way people see you and your perception of the whole wide world. All I wanted was for somebody to love me and to live out all of our best days.

I can’t help my beginnings. I was only just a kid with half a brain. I pickled it with mostly alcohol and a little bit of weed because I had to stop the memories from forever haunting me. I wish I could warn her to run away just as fast as she can. Don’t look back because no one cares where you are going and they definitely don’t give a f*ck if you ever come back.

Thanks for hating me I guess because at least it has given me drive. I don’t know what I can do in this lifetime to stop these tears from building up constantly behind my eyes. I am hurt and betrayed and I know I wouldn’t have chosen this future for myself. I was a girl with a baby growing inside of me. How could I have saved her when I couldn’t even begin to save myself.

From the moment she left me she gifted me with this disease of having low iron. It was the low iron that threatened to take me and my son that night when we were all holding on for dear life to save us. If I would have known how awful I would have felt after years of not even treating it properly I think I would have taken the Doctors sound advice. Instead I got tormented for being bi polar with all of the inner turmoil that was happening inside of me.

I was irrational and delusional and quick to fly off the handle when ever something felt wrong. I couldn’t regulate my emotions anymore and even I was beginning to believe them when they were telling me I was insane.

Thankfully there was one Doctor who knew the consequences of a diagnosis of having severely low iron. I would cry in her office telling her how awful things were getting at home. I couldn’t even walk up the 12 stairs that lead up to our bedrooms without feeling awful and gasping for air. Imagine being 43 and not being able to go for a walk. It humbles you. Make every deal with the devil that you can conceive of but even that has been a long shot that I won’t see through.

I love my Doctor for telling me she refused to treat me for anything else until we get control of this. When I told her what my husband and family were saying she just shook her head and said we will have to wait and see.

Imagine your body with no oxygen and very little red blood cells to do any of the work. Your body depends on a certain level of homeostasis, that perfect balance that will forever see us through. I think a lot of us take our good health for granted as we rob Peter to pay Paul. I think the way that the world is turning will have us taking very little consideration if any at all.

I am tired of people telling me to go to Doctors like that wasn’t something that I was already doing. I cry all the time demanding some kind of answers but the only thing that keeps on showing up is that my iron is so low it is pretty much in my boots.

The things we take for granted just make me want to cry. I can’t believe that my last few years are like this. So painful and isolating as I wait here to die. That is what happens when I try to lay down and I end up choking on myself. Nothing sends you to a faster state of delirium then having to sit up constantly as you struggle to take in hair.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I can feel every red blood cell in my body beginning to die off. The pain is hot and it is excruciating when I close my eyes all I can see is red. I wish the Universe could see just how hard I try. I want to live a happy, vibrant life filled with so much promise all before I take my last breath and die.


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