In A Messy State

My head is a mess these days and with such a disaster looming on in the horizon I think it is by high time I begin to draw myself back in.

I struggle deeply with who to allow to get close to me. It’s like I have developed this increasingly thick skin. If something doesn’t feel right I either say something or nothing at all then slink quietly into the night hoping to not be detected at all.

There are some people I wish I could tell everything to but there has been something about their presence or aura that always makes me stumble and fall. I don’t know what to say to those that are constantly letting me down except for to hold my head down in a quiet shame.

The name calling really gets to me. I don’t know why others feel that they deserve to treat me this way. The lies too. Oh all the lies. I have already had enough of choking on their obnoxious fumes. One day. One day soon I hope to understand this journey of life that I find myself in. Is this all for nothing or is there something else waiting for us next door?

I just don’t want to give anybody else enough fuel to use against me. Give somebody an inch and they will take a mile and designate an alternate route. I used to believe that if I wasn’t being used by somebody at some time then I was a loser. Oh how wrong I was in believing that garbage that somebody had dished out to me before.

I have no problem never speaking to anybody again. I will bite my tongue down until it starts to bleed. Why do I have to keep on apologizing for all that shortcomings and misgivings that are me. Too scared to take a chance on myself I just sit here and watch the world pass me by. I try to instill positivity and strength onto others but I am wearing myself thin and I can see all the ways I am about to fall.

There is something to be said for trying to stick it out on this path rather than easily succumbing to something else. There is sex, drugs, alcohol and self loathing all so that the weakest among us can get their savage fill.

I have no idea on how the world is going but I am almost certain it is time for me to get off. I can’t believe what people do in order to get likes, subscribers or even followers with this time being forever with no taking back.

Remember growing up and all the things that we had did. We wouldn’t get around with that now if we were growing up trying to be a kid. How did we survive without technology and without each other being rammed up each other’s *sses. What will happen to technology if it is its time to fail? Imagine if we lost everything in this invisible super highway we believe to be our friend. Sure it shortened the gap between so many friends and families but it also made it almost impossible for us to get along even at all.

Always knowing each other’s business. The good, the bad, the ugly and the just because. Just because I can get away with it I am going to do it and there is nothing that you can do in this lifetime to get me to change my mind, not even a call.

Those people that I have lost touch with I wonder if it will make a big difference in the end. My Dad, my aunts, my sisters and my uncles, oh and my cousins. I haven’t spoken to anybody of those guys. Not really. Not since I was a kid. Well a little here and then doesn’t count when you learn that you are enemies and can never, ever in this lifetime be friends.

Time keeps on moving and my mind keeps on getting filled. I am tired and I am not worthy, and I can’t help but wonder how much time there is left to kill. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just get along? I don’t think that would ever be a possibility when there is so much left to fight for still.

Whomever decided to pit us against each other sure knew what he was doing. He kept himself out of the crosshairs apparently and laughed his way straight to the bank. The pettiness and fighting is what keep us lagging behind. How can we ever hope of coming up ahead of all this people when a majority of us out there aren’t capable of being kind.

This is the negativity that seeps into my being trying to alter my psyche and infect my brain. I believe it is the company that I keep that has me always feeling this way. Instead of having somebody singing my praises I get lied to my face and called unspeakable names. I never thought that my future would be like this and I don’t know how I will ever find the strength to finally slip away.

I somehow need to gain clarity and all I can think about is making up some space inside of my head. If something doesn’t feel right I best be honouring that feeling instead of taking that kitchen knife out of my back after somebody has thrust it in it.

I used to doubt those feelings so bad and brush them off to the side. That is how I ended up with practically nothing holding onto those feelings wishing I could die. There something that happens to a being that fully believes that they have nobody. They begin to slowly rot from the inside, tormenting themselves continuously that they have nobody.

I guess I just have to be content in living in such a state of disarray and complete and order chaos. I mean I have made it this far haven’t I…barely hanging onto a thread if anything at all.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s