Now that I believe that my health maybe on the rise do I begin to see the world differently. I mean I always saw the world a little bit differently but now I can take my time to bask in it before I breathe it all in.
What would you do differently if you had the opportunity? I think I would do all the things I have already been doing but better. Like a time to prove them all wrong kind of scenario. All that doubt and shade being directed at me will be mirrored back to them at nauseating levels like they have never seen before or even likely to believe.
I think the whole world just believed I was crazy. It was easier for everybody to cast me aside then to get to know the essence that was and still is me. I know what it feels like to be constantly pushed away. To want to fit in with a crowd but then maybe it is best if you don’t fit in at all.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have all of this scar tissue surrounding me. If I could look at another being without feeling infinite sorrow and incredible pain. The one denomination that I wish would be my forever currency is if I would have given my daughter that one chance to actually breathe.
Anybody and everybody in my life that knew about her existence and were able to cast us both away is dead to me. They have to be if I want her legacy to keep on carrying on. As my maternal clock ticks louder my hope shatters that I will ever get a chance to meet her in this life so I have to hold my breath that we can be together in the next.
I think that is what people begin to get uncomfortable with, my ability and want to continuously grieve. I can’t let go of the past entirely because it is a huge part of who I am. I sacrificed everything and everybody to hold on to her memory that I don’t understand why I would have to let go of after all of these years.
That to me is trauma being able to dip back into one of the hardest moments of your life so that you can make it last. Maybe this time the ending will be different. Maybe it will make a difference in my life if I can say all the words that need to be said so that this to shall pass.
With all this change that is finding its way to me I find myself to entering a creative slump. Words are vast and fleeting as I struggle to find the words to express what it is that I am trying to say. Creatively I wonder if the world is struggling also as I find the whole lot of us carrying on the same.
Maybe there is some truth to the idea that we are all sheep being herded by one or two who are able to pull one over on us and keep the wool from going over our heads. We do need somebody to lead us as the rest of us all begin to follow suit. Look at the way that we love to continuously poison or free thinking and anything that begins to enter our brain.
Maybe that is something I had always needed. Some quiet desperation to use as fuel to fire up my brain. I know that I used that attitude of not wanting those people who hated me most to be right. You know the ones. The ones who were content on feeding into our fears so that we had no choice but to lay awake at night.
Just like everything that is life this too shall pass. Everything will eventually keep passing until there is nothing left to pass over and by that time I think we will be grateful that the round we found ourselves on has finally come to an end. I fear for that time when it is all over but that is why they remind you always to focus on what is going on in front of you. Try with all of your might to live in the moment instead of dreaming for the ending and future that you could never have.
That is the poison that kills us and threatens to take everything away. That feeling that we will never be good enough or amount to anything or that feeling of being to insecure to even breathe, I know that story. I fear that ending. I fear for all of the good in my life that the evil among us kept on taking away.
If you would have told me that my future would have been like this as a child I would have held my head with so much shame. I wanted to believe that I was born to a family who was capable of always loving me but I heard all the things they said about me when they thought I couldn’t hear.
I wouldn’t even entertain their dribble as I burned any and all correspondence that came baring my name. Who needs to read the words of a man who was destined to always hate them. I think this story was written in the sand before I was even a whisper who came into being.
Knowing what I know now I wouldn’t have done anything differently and there sure isn’t anything that I would have changed. What I know are the people who have always been there for me and even if that is nobody at least I can remember their names.
I don’t need to be fooled by those who insist on fooling themselves because at least I am honest with myself and I believe that is the best way to be. I know at times it hurts to think about the lengths another has gone to betray you but if I have learned anything in this life I know these feelings will soon pass too.