What You Aren’t Prepared For

What people don’t prep you for is how hard becoming a mother could possibly be. You think it must be easy. Look at how many women have done this before but the reality begins to sink as soon as you walk out of that hospital door.

My fear was real. My baby was so teeny tiny. His 10 little fingers and 10 little toes looking so fragile, how is it I came to be his mother in this cruel, cold world. At the time I thought it would be easy but nothing in our birthing story was going to be easy. There is something more to this boy coming into this world.

I am his protector, nurturer and mother of course and there is no other role or title that I could have dreamed up and/or preferred. When I think about life before him I hate that idea. I am so thankful that he came into my life that I would sacrifice the rest of my life to be here.

The very idea that there could be another place or time that I could exist in seems like a living nightmare to me. Now that I met my son and have become familiar with what life is like with him I couldn’t imagine spending my time doing anything else.

I like to mirror myself after my mother. One of the strongest and bestest women out there that did everything for us that should could. We played baseball, figure skated and even went to girl guides all without my mom complaining or even batting an eye. I can’t tell her enough how much I appreciate her and I try to tell her this every time we talk on the phone.

I understand we should have our own identity outside of our family but I wonder what is the end goal? I rarely see value in going out and getting trashed after all I still rise in the morning and there is a million things to do.

Isn’t that the biggest lie that we always tell each other? That we need alcohol to have a good time to indulge in all those nights we can never remember. I think that is what has made my decision easy. I like to consider the value of my interactions or I don’t likely go out at all.

I want to remember this day and the next day and fill it up with mystery in every which way that I can. I wonder what makes my flowers bloom and my vegetables grow as I try to perfect this talent so I can master providing for my family.

It seems easy doesn’t it? Plant a seed and watch it thrive and grow? Theoretically yes right but what happens when one of the elements are missing and there is a failure to thrive? Take my cucumbers for example. No matter what I have tried so far they are always turning brown. Could it be water? Could it be sun? Could it be pollination? I am not sure but all I know is there is something going on that is preventing them from living their best life and I am committed to trying to find out why.

What a strange correlation right? Motherhood and cucumbers but at times when I am mentally struggling the comparison feels just right. I don’t want him to feel like he is not good enough and to turn into mush. I want to give him the skills that he needs so that he can be met with success in his life no matter what that looks like or feels.

Life used to be easy when all I had to worry about was me. At least I have an idea of what life should look like and how I happy life should feel. I will always gravitate towards those who appreciate our company instead of forcing people to spend time with us who can’t appreciate our shine. I could keep on telling the world how unhappy I am or I can do something with myself to reclaim back the time.

I do recognize when people don’t appreciate me. They make that clear with everything that they do. They ignore requests and stop talking to you all while exclaiming that they have better things to do. I want to be a friend to many but then I realize what that means. That means I will always be the one with my arms wide open being looked over by anybody out there that can actually see.

As the sun rises I am hopeful for the day that is to come. I get to spend the morning and day with my best friend who came into this existence when I needed somebody the most. There is not enough hugs and kisses that will ever give me my fill. I am happy for the son that I have been given for it is in this moment that my being can finally sit still.

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. There is nothing that life can prepare you for until you find yourself holding a baby in your arms. I had no idea my baby was on his way. I went to bed with ice wrapped around me then awoke in the ICU. I was truly looking forward to the last two months when you get to feel his kicks and watch him grow. My anemia prevented that day from coming and from ever hosting another baby inside of my womb.

What the world doesn’t prepare you for is what you lose when you begin to age. My maternal clock has been ticking for awhile now, hosting my mental health in a fragile cage. You never quite know what you want until it is taken away. I think this is what I feel when the promise of a new day begins to fade.


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