No Going Back

Today was our 6 year anniversary and it felt like just another day but somehow just a little bit worse. Every time I tell to express my frustration to my spouse my emotions and feelings get turned on me and I can’t help but feel incredibly down on myself.

I hate myself with every fiber of my being when he talks. I am just an over emotional idiot who does more damage to our son then I do to help. Every time I hear him enter a room I am over come with fear and I don’t know how much more of this I will be able to withstand or even hear.

There is a new dynamic that goes with staying with a partner who might not even like you. It’s like you enter your own personal hell and it is time to throw away the key. Who do you talk to? Nobody. There is nobody you can trust with your feelings that wouldn’t turn and use them against you. I tried to voice my frustration to the only being who believes the sun and stars sets in his eyes but even she has heard enough of my whining so what is a girl supposed to do?

I keep it to myself and let it kill me as I crawl as deep as I can into this never ending hole. I don’t understand why life has to feel like this. Why does it have to be like this? I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and unsure of even what to do.

It is not as easy as people think it is. If I could run without looking behind me I know exactly where I would hide. I hate this feeling of being tossed aside like yesterday’s leftovers destined for the garbage but short of leaving this man I am unsure of even what to do.

Maybe I am a lazy loser, like my husband likes to say. I should just suck it up and accept a job for minimum wage. It hurts though all things considering. I gave up my future for this man and he could care less what it is that I do.

I can’t help but feel discarded because there is no hope of communication between us. The lies he tells just to make himself feel better are the same lies that he uses to rip me right in half. I feel alone and isolated because there is nobody in this world I can turn to. I still have standards even though he makes me feel like I have no value. There is still a little child that resides deep inside of me that I need to nurture too.

I try to protect her when I feel strong but everything gets brushed away after a good nights sleep. Well it tries to get put under the rug but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t help that I feel betrayed and lied to so all those feelings and emotions float around near the surface.

I am like a volcano ready to explode after another round of name calling and calling me out. After everything I did for our child I get told that he and the other teachers think I am crazy so I should just mind my own business. Everything he can he uses against me to hurt me and I can’t help but feel betrayed by the one person who vowed to love me. I can see how this was all a game that he decided to portray.

Pretend to the rest of the world you are happy as you slander the one person who made it possible for you to feel loved. I gave up my whole life and future to try and make a life with you but I am always going to be the damaged one that you get to lay insults into.

If you wanted me to hate myself you win. I am so depressed and lonely I don’t even know what to do. I can barely lift my head up these days as my eyes fill with tears. Every lie that has been told me I remember just like the day you told me to do the world a favour and that I should take my own life. I will never forget those words you said to me or how you tried to betray me. I will remember how much you hurt me until the end of my life.

Every moment hurts as I struggle to remember what happiness feels like. I get an inkling from time to time of a world that used to feel good but that comes crashing to a halt whenever you enter into a room. The way you would laugh at me as I struggled for air as I would scream to the Heavens for anybody around me that would care.

I am tired of trying, so tired. I can’t remember a time when life felt as difficult as this. We shouldn’t be fighting so much in front of our son. My heart breaks all over again whenever you just have to get your fill.

How can one forget that look in ones eyes when they spit their venomous words about how much of you they hate. Nobody or nothing is off limits as they let loose. I know that in my head I know what the right thing is to day now if somebody can go ahead and tell my heart.

I used to think that I stayed for my son but now I realize that something is just not right. There shouldn’t be so much anger and hate and not everything and every day has to turn into a massive fight. I have been pushed to my breaking point and now I fear that I may not be able to get put back together. With too much damage that is continuously occurring what hope or possibility do I ever have of surviving?


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s