Becoming Collateral Damage

How long does your son need to be collateral damage before you stick to your guns and never take him back? This is the source of my great depression and why it has become incredibly difficult to even stand on my own two feet. He is only 5 after all and it breaks my heart wide open all the things that I am forced to witness and actually have to feel.

We knew that our son was different. Blame COVID 19, George Floyd or any other triggers that put a dark blanket over on the world. The world became dark. The world became cold. The world became unsympathetic as far as the eyes could see. I blame myself for putting a target on my sons back, I never should have done that but I thought I was helping him instead of making him a hindrance onto the this world.

I sat back and believe that they had an education assistant on hand to help my son. I falsely believed anything that they were saying to be true. Every time I would ask about an altercation that occurred where my son was on the receiving end, it was always I didn’t see anything but next time I will pay closer attention.

How long would you wait in the hopes that the school that your son is attending will do right by him? How long would you wait listening to how a class of all girls and one boy doesn’t matter? I never taught him about cops and robbers or bad guys and Indians (sorry about the term he never learned that one from me) but that is how he wants to play instead of always being the daddy.

Imagine trying to find your footing in school but you are given nobody to hold onto. Nobody to laugh and play with or even share secrets with you are forced to be alone in your world. That fear of having nobody would be isolating as you watch all of your class mates around you find their people and you are left with no one. How long do you have to ignore what the higher ups are saying and protect your child’s mental health.

My child should never tell me how much he hates himself or how he is hated. Those shouldn’t even be a thought or feeling that begins to enter into his world, he is only 5. Hasn’t he already had enough rejection in his life does he really need to be forced to endure more.

His own Grandfather, my Dad, only has seen him once in his life. One time when we drove down there for an hour or two but no more. Imagine that feeling of knowing you have Aunts alive somewhere that want nothing to do with you. I mean I know what he must be feeling because those were my sisters that choose me to ignore.

I know what it feels like to be collateral damage and holding onto a thread and I can’t believe that I am witnessing these emotions inside of my little bean. How dare this school district rip my sons heart wide open by all the things that are damaging him that they continue to ignore.

I know that fear of no friends. I was always that last man hanging out. The ongoing abuse that I was forced to endure made it seemingly impossible for me to ever have another normal human interaction ever again. I fear humans and what they can do. I fear them even more when I am forced to listen to all the vile words that they continuously say.

How do I rectify the wrongs that keep slapping me in the face. All the mothers out there who promise to save my son a place where are you? Is it me that you don’t like and that is why you refuse to give my son a fair shot. Just when I thought I couldn’t hate myself even more this one thought begins to creep into my brain.

What if it is me that is preventing my son from having normal relationships then that means who it is that I am portraying myself to be is nothing but a lie. I like to pretend it is ok to live in what you believe to be your own best image and shrug all the negativity and hate off your shoulders and let the wind carry them away but am I right? I don’t know. Am I damaging my son? Maybe I think so. I am so confused on what to do here because what I perceive to be as normal is always getting in the way.

I remember being 37 and having nothing. Just a place that I was renting that I could call home. I had two cats (rest Lucy’s soul) at the time and I was working as much as anybody until I met my husband and the Universe opened up to me. Being pregnant was the biggest blessing even though it almost took my life. I remember the moment I opened my eyes after it all happened in this so called life.

Would you allow anybody to have free access to your most prized possession and let them damage it? If you saw that they were determined to ruin your joy and what made you happy would you get your wits about you and fight them kicking and screaming? This game has gone on too long and I can see why it was insisted on why we played. It is all about government funding in their eyes they could care less if my son ever finds his people and gains enough confidence to be able to play.

In my eyes I never want him to go back to those people that have caused him such harm. I hate they way they portray him to be when it comes down to filling out all these ridiculous forms. “Don’t worry about what we write down here as we have to paint him in a terrible light. We have to do what is necessary in order to get funding,” but in my eyes this never felt right.

How long would you allow your son to become collateral damage? Would you destroy any possibility of ever having a happy future because of a few teachers? I made a mistake that day I found out he was the only boy in that class. I wish that I pulled him out immediately instead of forcing him to be somewhere that was never going to last.


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