I try to maintain my focus in this life but it becomes incredibly hard. I am told not to overshare or share my emotions because nobody cares and it will throw everybody off.
What I am told is leave the bad stuff to the therapists. You know the ones who have always had their nose in the books with little to no experience at all. The ones who can tell you what is going on with your head because they read such and such’s case study with very little reference to what I was going through or what was going wrong with me.
Since I was very young I was forced to talk to a therapist which I never understood because they knew nothing at all about me. More to that they had no idea about the experiences I have gone through so how would they know how I felt and how these experiences made me to be.
There was something about being told to work these cognitive behaviour techniques that just got to me. Sure by simple elimination and by working the math it was theoretically impossible that I would get hit by a car and die this week but it could happen
There was an increased likelihood that somebody would break into my basement and get back at me for some sort of retaliation so it was a lot easier if I just kept to myself and taught myself never to speak. People don’t truly help you. They try to get you to talk so they can use it all against you. Maybe it is just so they can collect a pay check or maybe it is for them to use your story so that they can publish a novel or a book. Why would I believe anybody that doesn’t have my best interests at heart? My whole family so easily could abandon me so why wouldn’t this stranger rip me apart?
I don’t need the reminder of all the ways I failed. I was raped when I was a child because of the clothes that I decided to wear. All I wanted was to feel pretty as my mother gifted me my first gift made of silk. She was so proud of the gifts that she bought for us with our own money until my jealous boyfriend at the time ripped the silk boxers off of me and threw them into a swamp. Ya a swamp. We were farm girls didn’t you know.
I was used to having the essentials and what was needed for us to get by. We had the biggest farm and cows that lived in nearby fields with my Grandparents having chickens that would provide us with eggs for days. That was the life. With no cable we had no worries as we could always be found outside. If we were stimulated it was by fresh air and good times because there was no reason to be overstimulated by anything else.
Some say I overshare and I should just keep my mouth shut. That would be an interesting concept to follow but in my head I could never get enough. I try to find my purpose in this life because I believe there has to be something more to the things that we are constantly doing. Why is it we find ourselves working in dead end jobs that we hate with no future or promise of tomorrow as we line another’s pockets with dollars as our families starve at home?
Our families crave our presence and attention that never comes as both parents are increasingly tired over the hours they have to work. We trust in a system that we can see cracks forming because that is what we believe to be the right way to getting things done. Its like we wash our hands of all the bad things that are about to soon come as we begin to lose focus and start breaking all the rules.
Why do I have to forget about the life that formed me up to this point? Like in order to cast the shadows away I have to have shame in the life that I had lived for up until this day instead of taking pride for making the most of what I have had. I didn’t have regrets in away words that I have spoke but maybe that those words in affect had pushed everybody away.
To me it has always been a test to try and establish an individuals worth. Are you somebody I want to get to know in the afterlife or are you somebody I need to push away from in order for me to finally set sail?
I am hesitant about the friends that I keep around me and the family that I seek. I know that blood doesn’t make you instantly into family that it takes a lot of hard work and loyalty to see who is worthy enough to prevail.
If we don’t speak in this life we probably never will again. I don’t search for those that have done me wrong, who had hoped I would get dragged down into the furthest pits of hell. I saw who they were and what they had hoped would be done to me so I erected walls that a majority could never climb or ever see.
Being close to me is not anybody’s privilege or anybody’s right. It is all about who I feel safe around and who doesn’t keep me awake at night. I feel bad people and they all feel wrong. I don’t know what to say to them other than I hope they pick themselves up and get to moving along.
We only get a chance to live this life once, at least that is what some people believe and say but what if there is a chance in reincarnation would you believe the words you left on Earth so that you would have your final say?