Knocked Down a Level

Hell has no fury than a lover scorned but what happens when they don’t like you? Well the 110% truth and reality is you have two choices and once you have made yours what right do you have to complain. Am I right? Because that is what I keep telling myself when I notice that nothing is ever going to change.

Imagine what you take pride in gets called garbage by your partner. Imagine any little bit of pride you have he squashes it and makes you feel like trash. Everyday I sit on these emotions because I know this feedback is soon coming and it takes everything inside of me to not want to run away.

Sure I try to focus on the positive, my son, my plants and all these animals in this house but when there is one angry bear who is so easily disruptive than all of our emotions get thrown into the fire and we are all forced to play.

How would you react if everyday was a new day to learn about all the ways that you have failed? You could do three loads of laundry, sweep and mop the house and all that you get told is that there should have been time to do some more. I can see that my writing and my YouTube channel isn’t paying off. It’s not that I am going to give it up but if it is going to start a fight then I best be spending my time doing something else. Depressing isn’t it? It is very much so to me. I never felt like a loser before but that is all he wants me to be.

I try not to smile too much as it only angers the bear. He will find something that I should have been doing with my time and he will even question me on the amount that I care. Everyday is the same as it is only a matter of time before he starts to spout off. I know what you are thinking I should leave and never come back but it doesn’t work that easy when you have a son.

There is value to having both parents around as long as they aren’t constantly bickering or fighting. There is damage that is constantly being done when I am reduced to tears and feeling like complete trash. “What kind of mother cries all the time in front of her son?” When that is unravelling quick styles because of all the damage and insults that you have done.

I am not lazy it is just that I want more out of life. If my son wants to sit and spend time with me then there is no better place that I want to be. Sure the chores will pile up but they will always get done. Soon he will be in school full time so I can get all that work done that you have been after me to do.

Am I an idiot for wanting to spend quality time with my son? I can sleep when I am dead or when he leaves home by my calculation that should only take another 15 years but if he decides to become a social media influencer he just may never leave home.

Every interaction we have is like pulling teeth. It is hard for me to be around somebody who is so disrespectful. Nothing I say gets through to him. I try to remind him to be a better example to our son. The way I am treating is how my son will treat woman and that is a thought that completely terrifies me. If he becomes even a fraction of what his dad is he is opening himself up to a world of hurt. There are not many people out there that are ok with feeling lower than dirt. I don’t want my son to ever feel the way that I do and I never want him to be the reason why somebody is in this much pain.

The fear I have is he is always pointing the blame at me. If only I was a better wife, mother, hell person then life would be easier and we would all just be fine. He likes to make fun of me and my boundaries belittling me anyway that he can. Should I feel sadness for the family who was never there for me and try to break me? I never would have left them hanging dry like they all had left me.

That is another thing that really gets to me is I try so hard to get disrespected in every possible way. Everything I do gets called into question all so he can feel superior and get his own way. The amount I get yelled at is alarming because it puts into question everything I do inside of a day. Imagine being micromanaged at 43? How can one live happy when all they feel is insane?

I call this the continual degradation of the mind. When all the thoughts that you are having go against what another being is actually saying and that being in question likes to remind you of your shortcomings every single day. I wish life didn’t have to be like this and I wonder if life is like this for anybody else? Can relationships and marriage be a place for happy emotions instead of me feeling all out of sorts and out of place?

Everyday I wake up full of promise but I have to remind myself of all the hateful things that were said the night before. How can one ignore and move past what is always happening that is where I get stuck and don’t understand what all this hate is even for. If you hate somebody so much that you get angry in their presence then maybe it makes the most sense to just move along. All I am doing is trying to live in the moment, appreciating my best life until I get knocked down a couple levels with my face hitting the floor.


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