Imagine An Existence

Imagine having to hear over and over again how pathetic you are and how you failed in all the ways. Imagine an existence where you are told your value is virtually worthless as they look down their nose at you and turn away. Imagine an existence where you are made to believe that you are a free loading nut whose value is tarnished, nobody else could ever want you so it is best if you just stay put.

Every day is a struggle and I wish it didn’t have to be. I don’t know why my breathing has to be like this I would like to be able to move along and accomplish something else. It’s kind of like where I find myself in this present time is just a stepping stone too I could imagine if this is where I ended up.

My husbands favourite term of endearment is to let me know how incredibly pathetic I am. He has little to no respect to the week that I have just been through. He has gone behind my back to let the teachers and school know not to talk to me, that I am too emotional to make any decisions that involve my son.

I can’t begin to move past everything he has ever done and therefore said to me. I think his evil ways started when he let me know how worthless in life I really am. His family bought this house and our cars so therefore he can smoke in them with absolutely no regard to what he is doing to our futures with our health being the first out the front door.

I have my own set of standards but this one I am having problems getting around with my son being the reason I am forced to stay in this fight and try to make it another round. If it wasn’t for my son, and maybe a little bit of the animals, this decision would have been so easy but I think the husband knows that he just may have a situation where he has me hanging on by the balls.

It’s not a matter of if I am going to get yelled at today it is a matter of when and all the colourful language that spills out of his mouth like he is the most perfect thing in this world. I can’t get him to see past how ugly it is that he talks to his sons mother this way. How incredibly hurtful it would be for my son to have to witness over and over again when he is only just 5. “Why does daddy hate you so much?” I truly don’t know baby but he has pretty much hated me since the day we said I do.

Everyday I go about my day feeling worthless to scared to post anything or even to type. I know it is only a matter of time until I get ripped apart, made fun of and truly hated it is all that I can do to stop myself from dying on the inside.

Did you know I get made of for crying too? Like I am getting in trouble for all the things I hate myself for doing. I can’t help the tears from falling when another altercation begins to form in front of my son instead. I hate that my husband can’t see how awful his words are making my son feel and it actually makes me look at him different and hate him a little bit more.

It’s not even a one off it is an every single day. I can’t believe the things he lies about all the tales he tells to get away. When I stand back and look at him I can’t believe who he has become. Could he tell the truth to save his own life or would we all have to witness his demise as he finally begins to drown?

My truth is everyday I get talked down to by a man I don’t even respect. Sure I am somewhat thankful for the life that I have been given but it has come at such an ultimate price. I never imagined this future where we are so far cut off from everybody else. I imagined family get togethers that involved everybody instead of being the one family that time decided to cut off.

So I ask you how does one move past an individual who appears to hate you more than life? How do you stay around somebody whose very existence is irritating to you who gets off on making you cry? What I thought I wanted was a chance to do this family thing together by now I can see how that was a lie. To be truly hated every day and in every moment makes it hard for me not to wish to die.

Imagine having to battle the demons in your own head then you are forced to go toe to toe with somebody else’s evil instead? Get a grip of your own reality and stop imposing it on others. I can’t believe the audacity that creeps up inside of him sometimes.

Everyday is a new day to feel incredibly hated so I crawl into a deep cave and wait for my turn to die. Imagine that is who you want to be in this life. That person who make it impossible for another person to live so all they do is cry. The very idea that I have to spend another day inside of this lie where I am nothing but hated makes me want to turn it all in so I can turn and say goodbye.

In my mind I have no more time for the liars and the cheats of the world but unfortunately I still must master how exactly it is we are to play the game. Its hard to know where we are going and if it is a place we deem worthy enough to go or if maybe just maybe we should have remained in the same place.

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