I am stunned by everything that is happening around me. I used to believe in a life so perfect until I became a teen and life has I had come to know it began to rip apart at the seems. Our reality is that nothing is ever as it appears and we can be left scrambling to realize our own dreams.

I should have realized what I had got myself into. Nobody should ever be made to feel worthless for doing the very best that they can. It gets worse because he tries to cut me off from the life that I have come to know and love taking away my serenity, forever permeating my dreams.

Life has become increasingly difficult. I can barely lift my head or even open my eyes and all I want to do is cry. I feel like a stranger in my own reality. I don’t even recognize this being that I have come to be.

I remember a time when I used to believe that I had one or two people there for me. Everything changed when I saw just what that truth could actually mean. They are only there to try and take away from your shine and spotlight you can tell what exactly is happening by their flippant attitude and the way they flip their hair.

I would have assumed, and I assumed poorly, that those closest to you in life would always have your back. The problem with those kind of people that you have come to respect and adore that you can’t ever get too personal or they will take it as some form as attack.

I falsely believed that if you found yourself in the right company that it is ok to be able to express yourself and say what you mean. I mean you should be able to use your words to stick out of crowd instead of hurdled around like cattle but then there are certain people who want to squash you out without listening to what you are saying.

The only reason why I keep on trying is because I know there are a millions of others out there who would gladly take my shot. Maybe they left this Earth so tragically that they never got to say goodbye or maybe their health just failed them so they needed to go that day whatever the reasons that they are no longer with us I try to find the courage inside of myself to help me try and live.

That’s what keeps me going. Trying to imagine the energy that they once had. What made them tick and gave them the energy to keep going even though the rest of the world appeared against them. I am tired of all the jokes being thrown out and about like words could never hurt. Words do hurt and they cut deeper than any knife or sharp object ever could.

That is what gets me. The inconsiderate ways that so many prefer to live. Why should I waste my time with those that have nothing in common with me when I can sit around dreaming and living the best life that I possibly can? That’s where I go when nobody understands. I escape to my own reality that makes no demands.

Stunned by the incestual way that people prefer to be without giving anybody else that isn’t like them a place to ever fit it in. I am sicker than most. I marinade in my grief and let it take me by the hand. I am fully aware that we only live once, well the belief in that we do. But does it make any sense in the way that we carry on like we do? I dunno. I am not sure. I get confused when i start thinking about what the point of all of this is for.

I try to dissect every thing up to and including my emotions because I need to understand. Why do people lie? Why do they get joy out of seeing other people hurt I can’t quite understand. And the innocent. Don’t even get me started on them. That’s why there HAS to be life after this because anything else seems so incredibly unfair.

But what if life wasn’t meant to be fair. In actuality it is anything but fair. In an instant, a single blink of an eye it can all be taken away and then what. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You will be standing there with your arms up to the Heavens yelling to the Universe how life isn’t fair and there will be times when life isn’t and then there will be other times when it feels good. Remember the lifeline. That is how we coast through this universe and it isn’t supposed to make sense or why would any of us choose to live through it? At least that is where my thoughts go.

I am confused by life, shocked by the consequences of how nothing can feel right. How did I get here? I love parts of where I have come to be but some things feel like punishment. How do I start focusing on the good parts instead of paying mad respects to the bad. That is what happens when I let my depression kick in. All those things I hate about myself are coming forward loud and clear.

That’s it I think. My problem. As much as I want the world to believe that they aren’t needed my heart only feels full when I care. And not just a little bit at nauseating levels but I have this very acute awareness of how it is going to feel if I get hurt so I look for signs. I rarely let anybody close to me. Not these days because I know what happens with those secrets whenever soembody feels a little enraged.

I also know how it feels to be hated by those people you love the most. I think at times it becomes impossible when those around you keep questioning your own self worth. I shouldn’t have to fight against those that I keep close. I just need my heart and head need to match telling me I have had enough and that it is my time to go.