Becoming A Parent

What nobody prepares you for is how crazy and delusional one may feel when becoming a parent. I mean, all I want is the best for my son but who am I to determine what or how his story should be told. Of course I am more than a pivotal character in this story but should by no means direct the narrative. I mean of course I should help move it along until he is old enough to get into the drivers seat.

I still remember how horrified he was when I told him how I used to make him ALL of his baby food. There I was like a made woman mashing and steaming any vegetable and fruit in sight. And the breast pumping. Oh how can we ever forget the pumping he was too tiny to latch on traditionally so off I went to manually suck. Lol. Nothing dampers a time out then having to bust out that contraption every 3.5 to 4 hours. I mean I could try and hold off but then it could have affected the milk that I was able to produce. I was that level of a hot mess and in some ways even more so.

Those that have decided to not have kids always have a lot to say don’t they. Like how the little ones are so messy and always get in the way. Not to mention the drain on the pocket book that they have and the emotional stores as well. Nothing hits a nerve faster than the constant telling’s of a child who is firm in how much he hates you and every so often he looks at you with venom and tells you to go to hell.

Why have a child that could potentially treat you that way? You could give up your whole future just to have them and they can turn around and snuff you out one day. Don’t pretend like it doesn’t happen because I think it is every parent’s of a defiant child’s worst fear.

How do you sit back and allow a child to come into their own without sitting too far back that they stop believing you and what they hear. I wanted my son to be as independent and courageous as possible but I think I have sling shot too far past that mark and did the opposite of what I have sent out to do.

I think that is what gets me is how some portray how easy it is. Sure there are some moments that are so incredibly rewarding but there are other days where I can’t stop covering up my ears. how did life get like this and is there any way to go back? I don’t think I like the answer that could soon be coming so I try and calm my thinking and remember that.

What I think about is who I was and all the little things that I thought were entitled to me. I don’t know how to prepare myself for the years that are soon to be coming I think over everything that is my biggest fear. If my son tries to get away with half of what I did I think I would die and the very reality that he is going to get in trouble one day just makes me want to cry.

How did my parents survive when I broke their hearts over and over again. Oh ya, one relationship didn’t. What if my son decides he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I think that maybe my other biggest fear. There is no guarantees in good parenting and taxes. I think one is boiled down to good luck and the latter will haunt us deep into our graves.

What I like about being a parent is the promise of getting it right but then I have to remember that what I believe is good for me might be too far out of his sights. The expectations that we impose on our futures without truly knowing who we are is alarming. I find me going further and further away from who I was born to be and I don’t know how to release and get back to feeling like a kid.

I always curse all the things that were taken away and I wonder how far that curse has decided to follow. The negative energy that threatens to take me each day is contagious as it works its way through every room. Feeding on the weak is its favourite thing to do. If you see an opening you sure as hell better take it before you are the last one alive standing in the room.

Too each their own but how far do we allow them to go? Do we keep on encouraging them to take shots that are sure to be misses as we lower our expectations to be more accommodating. I know I need some sort of help I am not denying any of those facts but my fear is that what I am looking for is not available too me. I don’t know what I am looking for but I know it goes above any traditional sense. I am too highly charged and overly emotional for anybody to desire to ever get close.

When I think about the task at hand I think oh my f*cking gahd I can’t do this. I know that I will end up mastering whatever is put in front of me but for one split second I get overwhelmed. There is so much available to us every single day but we may chose to waste it. I know when I look at the things I still want to accomplish in this life I can’t help but feel slightly overwhelmed.

Becoming a parent is no joke and it truly isn’t for anybody. Not everybody can be responsible for forming coherent, functioning human beings. There is no denying that our children are a reflection of who we were to become, I just need to stop pushing my pride and prejudice onto him because all of those things will just get in the way.


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