The Damage Is Done

My husband legit told me to make my own plants. He actually told me that I was never allowed to spend money on them again.

When I asked him about this he called me a physcopath. He legit told me to go into people’s yards when I see a plant I like and take a snip. All because I said I saw a beautiful Heirloom impatient plant on Facebook Marketplace and he said never again when you can go make your own and he handed me a bottle of rooting gel.

Like this is what I am dealing with. How egotistical is that. This man puffs a pack a day of cigarettes and he has the nerve to tell me to go make my own plants. Never again will we waste money on plants.

What am I supposed to do? Break into people’s houses that have the plants that I want because the plants that I desire our best suited for the house or am I supposed to make friends with the people who have plants that I like. Is this an insane request because I can’t believe what I have heard.

Seriously though. Nothing he says surprises me anymore. The minute he sees me smile.he wants to rip my heart out and watch me bleed out on the floor. That’s what it begins to feel like when I try to get my footing in the world and he knocks me over again. I can tell he doesn’t like me. In fact I can see the venom when he looks my way. Just not only 10 minutes ago he was looking at me with so much rage. I can’t get through to him that it’s not right to behave this way and it sure as hell isn’t right to keep behaving like this in front of his son. He turned and looked at my son dead in eyes and said I have to Slade I hate your mother that much, to me I think he might be going insane.

Absolutely everything I do is wrong as he has a mass amount of clothes strewed around the house. I stopped picking up after him when he kept on insulting me. If you want to see worthless I will show you just what that could possibly mean. I still lander his clothes at the bottom of the stairs but I know longer feel this urge to put them away. I think this is what anybody would do when they are tired of being called names. I have to keep reminding myself I am not pathetic and lazy like he always says.

I fear when he comes home because I know nothing is going to change. I hate myself even more now because I should have left him long ago instead of letting it continue on this way. I hide behind my embarassment and I let myself marinade in the shame. I get teased and taunted everytime I cry now with my mental health getting pushed to the forefront being the one to blame.

I don’t trust this man but I don’t know where to go or even what to do. Everybody is struggling it seems to get by now and I don’t have a friend I could trust to share this all too. That’s the problem with friends especially when things are so bad at home. You can’t tell them what is happening because they will begin to judge you just the same. If you would have told me my life was going to look like this I would have laughed at you and told you to go away.

I know this needs to end soon and I don’t know how to get it to end. My husband is in incredible denial he is beyond capable of even being a friend. What kind of friend would want you to feel this way about yourself? What kind of friend would tell you to take your own life? There is nobody that is off limits to his anger and I can see him begin to teeter on some kind of ledge.

He is about to be tipped over and there is nothing I can do right. I can keep cleaning until my fingers bleed but he will find the one speck of dirt that was tucked out of sight. There is no love here at all, not even an ounce of compassion. Everything I have gone through in these last few years since I have met him I have gone through solo. How absolutely insane is that?

I thought the purpose of a life partner was to try and bring out each others best sides instead of being the one to constantly push them over. Imagine being hated by your spouse and have them say the most horrible things. His favourite thing is because I don’t work I don’t have value and I think these points he is always making is beginning to set in.

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it but this relationship is damaged beyond repaired. The more things that are said out of anger are pushing me to a place where I can never forgive and honestly I don’t care. I began returning him the favour but I can see now how damaging that would be for our son. All I want is for him to see that we can be grown and act responsible he is seeing far too much for such a little kid.

He is incredibly angry and I can’t say that I blame him. I made him a promise if he wanted me to be nicer to his Dad that he would have to promise to try and do the same. I try to tell him that it is not ok to keep belittling somebody and it is not ok to keep calming them names. My husband always says its because I am delusional and I am borderline walking on insane. All this said in front of our son I might add nothing is ever said behind closed doors. I don’t know what I can do anymore because this hatred he holds for me is getting too hard to ignore.


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