What’s Going On?

Being a part of a family is tough. I mean falling into the dynamics of two parents and any children that the two might bring in, I say two parents because the sex of the two truly doesn’t matter because it should be all about the heart and the true intent.

I don’t think I fully understood the responsibility that unfolds and I think it is easier when their are two minds and hearts to split the work. It does in no way make it ideal however because there are always different scenarios that come into play where one can thrive. Each person has their own case and scenario and it is up to us to decipher and implement the tools required in order to get our own dynamic to work.

My dynamic is I am the matriarch that stays at home so naturally it makes sense that I need to tend to the house and child and pets and whatever other hobby we have on the go at this time ie my plants, Schmoo’s soccer, the list goes on. My husband is the one that provides the paycheck and keeps food on our table and the rest of us clothed. I can see how that would be a huge responsibility but so is trying to maintain this crazy brood.

Maybe we took on too much trying to call this home but where do we go from here because how we are doing things just can’t go on. What would be the next step to move foward? I am really not sure. I think the first thing that needs to be done is to hold up my end of the bargain so it is off to clean this house and get it properly maintained.

It seems at times there are toys up to the rafters and I think the animals rule over this house more than the humans do. I don’t mind but I think it bothers my husband there is only so much I can do with the resources that I have.

I think that is why I started my YouTube Channel (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT44prvb_o835cQOG327hbQ) it was an outlet where I can voice my frustrations somewhat and try to inspire others with a similar experience to share. I am still working on the style of videos and the information I want to provide as I give it out. It is a slippery slope once you put yourself out there and I am uncertain if I am up for the journey if my channel was to take off and I was forced to go there. I like my mediocre existence I just wish I had a little bit extra you know. It sucks when you don’t have a job and can’t even go out and get a coffee without asking if it is alright if you go there then having to ask for the money too.

It’s so frustrating for me being made out to be good for nothing. I have worked hard since I was 13 and at 43 this has been the first time I have taken a break. K, that’s a lie there was a year in my 30’s where I was homeless and unemployed but that was anything but easy. That really degraded my soul. I hated who I was at the time and just slipped away from the world as I got ready to say goodbye.

Those times were tough too. Graduating University. Getting that Great Career. Then through no fault of your own you were drugged, raped and had it all taken away. That is what happened to me during that time I was roofied at a club dowtown Vancouver called Richard’s on Richards. The problem when you come forward is that those who have hurt you are always a couple steps ahead. The man who was responsible for hurting me was tipped off by somebody from the VPD and that was made me not go ahead with pressing charges.

I know right? What a beautiful life we live in. I had no choice but to let it go. They even began threatening my family. The thought has crossed my mind that he MUST have hurt others too but like I told the VPD that day I wasn’t going to be the only one of his victims to follow through.

This leads me to the importance of keeping your circle close and to have some sort of standards and a core value in place. If somebody in your life is constantly disrespecting you, there must be some sort of attached value or finite price. Why allow somebody who doesn’t have an interest in your heart have a say on what is going on?

My husband has hurtful as he is still is responsible for giving me the best part of me, my son. Without my son I would still feel like I was floating up in the air with no final destination or purpose. There is an underlining fear that sees him slipping away as he ages because Lord knows it has happened to me. I haven’t seen my mom in 5 years almost, all we have are our conversations on the phone. I hope to get back there this summer but as we all know every dog does have their day.

And then there is my Dad. The man who is still alive and wants nothing to do with me. I wrote him a final email to say my goodbyes because I didn’t think it was fair that I should have to wait for him to die in order for me to say them. I said my peace to him in an email because that was the only way I knew how to correspond with him. Sure there was a chance that it never got to him but I had to say my peace in order for me to move on.

So being a part of a family means everything to me but more so if it is healthy. I recognize the issues that lie in front of me now if only I could get my husband to see the same.


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