My decision to once again try to communicate this part of my journey to this outside world became important because of a few things. One the receptionist telling me that she has never heard of such a situation made me think just how much many of us pin our problems on our children. Then of course there is the finding the right treatment and proper care. I am going to be trying to v log the journey but we will have to see just how far we get. My husband is wanting to diagnose me as bi-polar and I told him I would be “evaluated” to appease his curiosity. I know that I am moody but I am wondering just how much of it is because I am fed up. Imagine getting talked down constantly the way I do?
I am a forever dreamer which is the intoxicating gift of what is my life. In my presence I can make you believe that anything and everything is possible and it should be because we only have this one shot and it’s a shame that most of us will never get that confidence to take. Some are very undeserving of the life that they have been given and they will one day pay the ultimate price. It will never be known exactly how but rest assured karma likes to take a bite out of the most ripest *ss. There is only so much the Universe can handle before it takes it too personal and begins fighting back. It will start with pandemics and famines then wars will rage throughout the lands. If a great reset was to occur would you be ok with all the things you have done here? If tomorrow was not promised and these last few hours were all you got, can you say you did the things you were proud of if because this the end and all you got.
Whom am I but a mere speck of dust in this time frame hoping to sparkle in such a way that maybe I too will get notice for my hard work and determination. Maybe it doesn’t have to make a difference in this life time but maybe if I put in enough blood, sweat and tears maybe the irony will have no choice but to be all mine. I hope and I pray and even on my son’s worst days I hope that in the end all that we are going through is worth it. It has to be because no matter how much it hurts right now there will always be another being waiting in the wings hoping to get even just a tiny slice out of our pie. You don’t necessarily have to give away the recipe but it should would be nice to share from time to time how else can you find like minds if you don’t at least try and give them a chance. They might nip you in the bud or bite you in the *ss but at least you will never be accused for not at least giving it your all.
Yes we need to look out for number one but not at the expense of another. Never at the expense of another. You would never speak down against somebody when you can see that what they are speaking of is the truth. Their raw innocence becomes to much for some souls to bare so they resort to violence in the most archaic of ways. To have no reason to hate on one another other than plain old jealousy has been a story as old as time. We all learned about Shakespearean plays that spoke volumes to these facts that would confirm that most humans would kill form fame, fortune and matters of the heart.
The energy that is threatening to overcome me is suffocating at best. I am overwhelmed by what we as humans can excuse away before we are even capable of drawing up our last breath. There are spouses abusive towards their parents and children equally abusive to their parents where does it all end? There are so many of us who are destined for so much but we allow ourselves to deteriorate before we find out what it is all for. Of course it is overwhelmingly when it comes to the larger scheme of things. The only entity that seems to be replicating out of control is human and one day what choice will we have but to implode?
I keep to myself for the most part because what other beings are capable of has broken my heart and left me feeling depraived. When forced to witness what others will do just to get ahead makes me thankful in this moment that I am told to eat sh*t instead. Yes it hurts to constantly get belittled inside these 4 walls and house but at least I know where the attacks are coming from and I could never say the same about anybody else.
I hate making excuses for those moments in life that go wrong. They happened to teach us a lesson, a moment of reckoning, and it is up to us to try and interpret its meaning. Or at least try to understand it anyways. We can’t go back to correct an incident but we can use it to bring some light into our lives. We can’t remain forever in the darkness when we have only been granted this one chance to live.
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3
What children are capable of and will excuse it away with their small brains should be horrifying. Alarming at best. A contrast to what life was supposed to be and how it was supposed to feel and what it was supposed to all mean. I couldn’t imagine surviving childhood in the wake of the pressures of social media. I would have been an easy target and there would have been nothing I could have done to keep my head above water. As it stands I tried to end my life at 14 and then again at 19. My issue I was too terrified of what would happen if I crossed over onto the other side so I stayed. I became a hollow version of myself in that I did what was needed in order to do to stay alive. Desensitize myself to the outside world and try to keep all outside cares at bay.
In a world that is so quick to be judgmental I just want to close my eyes and open them when we all start behaving nice. Respecting each other for the entities that we are instead of belittling to get attention so that we can get our say. Wouldn’t that be nice? It would never happen of course because we have all been engrained to compete. Nobody wants to stay at the bottom anymore if they can trample onto those bodies that have already hit the floor.