My biggest fear in this life is never being worthy of my Dad’s love. The pain that resides in the hole that he left in my heart is a reminder just how worthless that I am. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I did something to somebody and now I am paying the price. Just like in the words echoed to me by my Grandfather right before Alzheimer’s took him, “How can you love somebody like me?”
The only demon mind that I should fear is that of my own. Only she has been made of my weakness and only her version of me can stop me from being able to shine. One a living nightmare the other lost in a dream. Both are versions of me and both forever intertwined.
You were one of the lucky ones. You showed no symptoms but in your path of destruction you took many along with you. You became the angel of death as you took the most precious gift from those we love. You took their lives because you deemed your’s to be worth more. You decided that in your march of freedom you took mine.
As I get ready for another day of sheer insanity as the brinks of mine are pushed beyond capacity I teeter along the edge. What really is at stake for the existence of a stay at home mom, undervalued and appreciated? . I see it now. I appreciate it better. The existence of every strong women before me and yet to come. There is nothing stronger than a stay at home mom both in the physical existence and spiritual.
There wasn’t much to do but conceive children and try to maintain the health and prosperity of all. Divorce was frowned upon because once the deed was signed you truly became the property of the man. The older you became the least valuable you were. The best you could hope to be was a teacher or tutor for somebody else’s kids, a constant reminder of how you failed as a woman.
With the blind leading the blind and all others left to go astray, I will retire myself to the mountainside far away from where others will go. I never wanted to turn my back on humanity but humanity has turned their back on me. I don’t want to live in a world so self righteous when all I truly want is a chance to just live my life and simply be.
If I keep my truth inside these walls to live another day will they finally be strong enough to stand and withstand the wrath of fury that is sure to be there waiting to greet us in it’s place? I am furthest from arrogant as I leave all that I thought I knew for something that was born inside me while I sleep. The only truth that I nurture now is safely tucked asleep. Away from the tortured past of the present that threatens to awaken our dreams.
Traditional roles or not I am happiest as the nurturer and provider in my home. Isn’t that the true secret of life? To feel pride in the soul and love in the heart? We only live once and I for one prefer to live it in a perfectly wrapped package on display for the rest of the world. I am a woman and more to beauty I have hope and that is what is so urgently needed in today’s world.
Being depressed is easy. It is our excuse for everything, will the lack of doing anything. Oddly though it is when you are at your lowest that more people gravitate towards you. Not because they sympathise, because they do, it is also because we have this morbid fascination to watch another crumble in despair.