All she is is a memory with her wedding photo on my desktop to make me cry. A young woman with so much hope, virality and promise who dreamed of a family one day. One day. Now that one day is gone. Her family is still here but one day they won’t be. I need her to be around somewhere hopefully smiling down on me. When the rest of the world hates me I pray that she still loves me. I need to believe in something or I have no idea where I would end up or eventually be.
I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.
Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.
There are those beings in life that are out truly just to enjoy the very presence of your existence then there are others that will suck your soul right out if given the chance. Sometimes who we desire to be is out of our grasp and our very own reality as we fail to open up our hearts and truly see.
That is what drives me to do everything that I do. So I can be an example to him who he needs to be. Not grow up in my EXACT image but have the confidence to know that you can be anybody that you can. Sure I might have been a little bit of a beautiful disaster but I dusted myself off quite well don’t you think? For no reason why I wake up with a fire in my soul. I think my drive was given to me as a blessing when I was lost and feeling out of sorts and most definitely out of control.
I didn’t want to let go of something that was so horrendous to me. If it could happen to anybody it was more than likely going to happen to me. I grew up accustomed to the drama and all the sinking feelings that a life lived in this reality could bring and once I got the hang of it I couldn’t fathom the idea that anybody that I loved would ever have to experience a similar thing. That’s where fables and fairytales originate from, they serve as a reminder and beacon to where your heart first began beating and learned how to sing.
Today is the day an angel is finally laid to rest, but I can’t help but think about all of the angels that were laid to rest before. The beautiful beings of the lives that were never privy enough to amount to anything while some were born into everything, and we will never understand the rhyme or reason or even the what for.
The problem with life is it will always be something that we take advantage of up until the very time that death comes for a visit and decides to take everything we love away. There will be no peace for the living after death comes and has his final say.
I am exhausted and heartbroken and even I know when a relationship is done. I just find it hard, and I am struggling because I am not going anywhere without my son.
We need to speak out of these horrors in order to educate others how to better make decisions that will forever impact their lives. Of course, I don’t think I would change the fact that I attended high school parties or that I will forbid my son from doing the same. It is a rite of passage that we all go through. For some reason or another they always take the innocent that walk among us to serve as a beacon so that the light can always shine thru. It has to be somebody that was adored by many before alcohol struck and took their innocence away. Isn’t that something short of a blessing that our angels could not remember what the devils who walk around us could possibly do.