There are so many reasons why I want to give up. There are so many more why I won’t. When I chose to give myself up freely to the powers that may be I had no idea the directional course it would put me on. I can’t tell you what it feels like. What I know though is somewhere through all the smoke and mirrors I know that there is pain and there is hurt and if I didn’t at least try and make the World a better place… I had to at least try.
My guilt eats away at me knowing that in my younger years I was the very toxic pollution that I have now come to hate. Maybe that is why it has become important to me to open up my life. My life in all it’s plain and basic splendor actually help me to understand who it is I am supposed to become. It isn’t for a lack of trying or misunderstanding but a veil of doubt and insecurity that haunts me.
Reflections in time are like song of the future. You are never to sure of their existence. You want to believe in all that there is. All that is possible and all that can be. That is the beauty and mystery of life isn’t it? To go to your natural limitations then try to push through. Don’t you want to exceed on the person you were from yesterday or do you just want to do what some have before you and just let the natural course of life slide through your fingers. There is no time like the present. You will never be younger more youthful then you are in this moment.
Maybe I did. Maybe I moved blindly into a World that I was never prepared for. Maybe it is just another blip in the life of me. I want to cry but somehow I feel like I have been set free. That noose that was tightening around my neck was now gone. The only thing left to share was my honest truth and the blind faith that I had going forward.
Times are harder now. We are constantly exposed to the billions of people that surround us. We can have thousands of single mates at our fingertips from all over the World. How does one even stay celibate and chose the love that has come to exist outside of their body for something cheap and taudry.
The way we treat each other. I have experienced more bullying and more insults in my adult years then in any other time combined. This is what my child sees. This is what he is absorbing. The malicious intent of a few. Negativity breeds like wildfire and it infects our inner core.
It would take almost 2 decades for me to recognize the loss from that decision that day. And that really only evolved because I stopped EVERYTHING I was doing and changed my course. I had to. As the clock kept on ticking so did that dream of having a family and that desire to grow old with someone….see there it is again!
Walking down the gleaming white halls towards ICU it’s like the feelings of all those who walked before you smack you in the chest. You don’t want to keep going but your feet keep pushing you forward. Thankful for the locks between corridors as I try to find the strength to keep going. My husband…
We all know an addict and have witnessed the horrible struggle that resides inside of them. We all have held hope in our heart that they will wake up and see what they are doing and stop. We all know somebody who has overdosed but because the worst outcome isn’t an option for us they…
I wish that there was some magic wand that when needed we could have at our disposal. Trying to keep my mind busy on all things but what is really the problem I get lost in a World that happened before I was even born. The cyclone of emotions that keeps me in it’s vice…