There was a time that I believed that if you were good to people they would reflect that back onto you. Oh how funny to think back on those kind of days. Everybody who I laid down my life for has now stabbed me in the back and I don’t blame them for taking up on an opportunity that I had allowed them to take. I wanted to believe that there was something good deep down inside of everybody until I learned that some beings are more than content to keep on behaving in such a way.
Yes we need to look out for number one but not at the expense of another. Never at the expense of another. You would never speak down against somebody when you can see that what they are speaking of is the truth. Their raw innocence becomes to much for some souls to bare so they resort to violence in the most archaic of ways. To have no reason to hate on one another other than plain old jealousy has been a story as old as time. We all learned about Shakespearean plays that spoke volumes to these facts that would confirm that most humans would kill form fame, fortune and matters of the heart.
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3
Now these are just my thoughts about a situation that has arose and it deeply affected me. Not having many I trust in this life I kept this malicious keyboard attack completely to myself. I couldn’t engage. How could I? From the time I get up is a constant attack on my character. Be a better mom. Be a better wife. This is why you have no friends. This is why you have no life. Every little thing hurts and then my son gets up. There is no sinking feeling greater than hearing your son get so enraged. He needs help beyond what a mother can normally give. Have you ever heard your son talk about killing themselves and did I mention that he is only 4? Yes at 13 I threatened suicide but I was just raped. Did I squish my son to react like me? At 4 I would like to hope I didn’t, so? Of course I shut myself off because the life that I am living really hurts and it completely sucks.
Aren’t some people gross and the things that they can do? The way that they can overly justify their behaviour even though they are out of their minds and deranged. We have to stop giving people immediate access to us like they deserve it. Did they earn it in some way?? Did they go over and beyond the traditional conventional means or did they just waste away there on the sidelines using their anger as the be all and and end all to have it their way as it seems? Those who are overly aggressively in their mannerisms should serve as an immediate red light. Give to much room for them to wiggle out from underneath and you just might find yourself ending up slain.
Loyalty ain’t a thing no more and why does it have to be? We all come alive on a keyboard hiding the truth from all others and getting used to our filth and our lies. Not me. I can’t live like that. I am going to run fiercely in the direction that is super loving and supporting without taking a glimpse in my review as I run by. The older we get the less of a chance we have to get it right so why keep those close to us who are just waiting for us to fail and meet our demise?
At the end of the day I don’t hate myself. I now find myself very interesting. Who needs to be everybody’s cup of tea when you can be a fine, divine wine instead. The only person I ever needed to change for was myself and now that I am here I can’t imagine being anybody else.
Friends don’t have to always be your friends once they have outlived their purpose. I am thankful for those who rip the band aids off but frown at the ones who can’t rip it off all the way. I could care less about you now, now that you have revealed your true colors to me. Be gone out into the pasture and keep on walking far off into the night.
I am tired, so tired of having to listen to all the things he hates about me and in all the ways he tells me I fail. To have to listen to his self righteous tirade again just makes me want to put a bullet in my eye. I am not a loser with a family that has come from nothing. Our love was never conditional or could be bought with dollar and cents. One day I will be brave enough to finally walk away or take my own life. In the absence of human love I look towards my animals to save me. They are my true salvation.
Oh Retaeh our angel, that had to pay the ultimate price.I am aware that in a different time and story that it could have very easily been me not you. I am so sorry for what the evil’s of men have done to you find salvation in your eternal peace.