At least that is where I get pulled sometimes when the energy threatens to take me when there is that incredible pull with no going back. That thought that takes us so far that once done it can’t be undone. That is what makes me sit on my hands in silence and close my eyes as I try to take notice of my space in the room. There is fear laced inside everything as I fear I may never be good enough. In an among the hesitation I realize at least if I don’t begin to start somewhere I never will no just how far I could have been.
I want to live in this world but how can I? Every moment I am alive I am greeted with so much hate. I can’t breathe. The weight is crushing me. Somebody give me a reason to want to live 💔
The vet warned me for what could possibly happen and I mean all the POSSIBILITIES. As death came for her she climbed up my arm. She took her final breath in my ear and then collapsed down into my arms. The whole time I told her I would never let her go and what I meant by that was the memories and love that we shared. Her heart, soul and spirit. As the Vet checked her vitals and told me she was gone I didn’t feel the cold movement of energy that one normally feels. What I felt was the crystals beside her burning red hot into my hands. I didn’t want the vet to see them so I tucked them quickly inside my bra. The hardest part was giving up her body. I kept running to kiss her head just one more time alright maybe two. In death I normally feel the severance of energy but I didn’t feel it with her this time. Lucy, my sweet, Lucy please wait for me on the other side.
Last night as my son slept I traced every curve of his body. He looked so peaceful as I put my head on his chest to hear his heart beating. Nobody ever notices me so I guess it wouldn’t matter if I was gone now would it. At least he wouldn’t have an addict, dead beat mom. I am so over being hated. The more I think the more I think that it all makes sense.
The users of the world should have their time but for now we are just waiting for the tides to turn. Ethics seem to be more of a passing fancy. Not too many are willing to engage. What is good for one may not be good for another yet we are all intertwined in this most incestuous way. Did you hear what so and so did with so and so? No. I have no l idea what it is you are trying to say. Or who it is you are talking about. Life isn’t like that now. We know everybody’s business. Our access to social media ensures us of that. Yap, Yap but don’t clap back because if you have a difference of an opinion there will be an army of fools ready to lynch you and hang you out to dry. There is nothing more powerful than trolls in big numbers. Trolls get their power from being heard and unseen.
My husband always tells me I can’t change the world. That may be true but I refuse to remain complacent in it. It is so easy to just take a deep breath and walk away. I could. I am not directly connected to all this. My mom and dad were always safe in their childhood and I believe they had no knowledge of what was happening in residential schools. When a whole country is left oblivious to the level of genocide that the powers of be committed it is up to us to pick up the moral pieces and find a way to heal.
Please let me know if your child is bullied, abused or dead so I can give you the firework send off that you so eagerly demand. I see ugly people and they care only about themselves. These people make living less worthy, they desecrate on the value. I can’t change the world and it’s thinking but I can change everything about me. I honour and value the sanctity of this moment and take pride with reconnecting with Mother Nature and her Earth.
I love to be inspired and nothing leaves me more inspired than being exposed to another’s journey. We weren’t made to live alone. That was an urban legend they needed you to believe. They needed you to believe that in order to be successful you needed to live in the steepest tower and in isolation buying and cosumming more take out then necessary and living in the shadows of your former self.
Good people don’t thrive inside the shadows. They come alive with the promise of a new day. Sure your feet become tired and your ego is bruised and your heart threatens to shut down completly but today is the day your life just might change completly. Just keep your blinders on and nose down because love and faith will release. Release you from the negative intentions of those who wish to destroy you and into the arms of those whose love will heal you.
From as young as we can remember it was go to school and be nice and make lots of friends. That is all fine and dandy unless you are the shy kid in the room then everything seems personal. I grew up on a farm where chicken were our friends we didn’t need to find a way to communicate it just happened and it just was, now you have to add in a variety of different personalities and flavors and let the mix decide. Children can be mean but adults are meaner. Children are still trying to find out there place in world where adults have already given up and assumed. It still bothers me that some I knew from high school hate me and I have no idea why. We aren’t the same children that we were.