Making Room

I am a forever dreamer which is the intoxicating gift of what is my life. In my presence I can make you believe that anything and everything is possible and it should be because we only have this one shot and it’s a shame that most of us will never get that confidence to take. Some are very undeserving of the life that they have been given and they will one day pay the ultimate price. It will never be known exactly how but rest assured karma likes to take a bite out of the most ripest *ss. There is only so much the Universe can handle before it takes it too personal and begins fighting back. It will start with pandemics and famines then wars will rage throughout the lands. If a great reset was to occur would you be ok with all the things you have done here? If tomorrow was not promised and these last few hours were all you got, can you say you did the things you were proud of if because this the end and all you got.

Isn’t It Ironic?

Whom am I but a mere speck of dust in this time frame hoping to sparkle in such a way that maybe I too will get notice for my hard work and determination. Maybe it doesn’t have to make a difference in this life time but maybe if I put in enough blood, sweat and tears maybe the irony will have no choice but to be all mine. I hope and I pray and even on my son’s worst days I hope that in the end all that we are going through is worth it. It has to be because no matter how much it hurts right now there will always be another being waiting in the wings hoping to get even just a tiny slice out of our pie. You don’t necessarily have to give away the recipe but it should would be nice to share from time to time how else can you find like minds if you don’t at least try and give them a chance. They might nip you in the bud or bite you in the *ss but at least you will never be accused for not at least giving it your all.

Eat Sh*t

I keep to myself for the most part because what other beings are capable of has broken my heart and left me feeling depraived. When forced to witness what others will do just to get ahead makes me thankful in this moment that I am told to eat sh*t instead. Yes it hurts to constantly get belittled inside these 4 walls and house but at least I know where the attacks are coming from and I could never say the same about anybody else.

Emotionally Inadequate

I hate making excuses for those moments in life that go wrong. They happened to teach us a lesson, a moment of reckoning, and it is up to us to try and interpret its meaning. Or at least try to understand it anyways. We can’t go back to correct an incident but we can use it to bring some light into our lives. We can’t remain forever in the darkness when we have only been granted this one chance to live.

But They Are Mean

What children are capable of and will excuse it away with their small brains should be horrifying. Alarming at best. A contrast to what life was supposed to be and how it was supposed to feel and what it was supposed to all mean. I couldn’t imagine surviving childhood in the wake of the pressures of social media. I would have been an easy target and there would have been nothing I could have done to keep my head above water. As it stands I tried to end my life at 14 and then again at 19. My issue I was too terrified of what would happen if I crossed over onto the other side so I stayed. I became a hollow version of myself in that I did what was needed in order to do to stay alive. Desensitize myself to the outside world and try to keep all outside cares at bay.

One Insult Too Many

In a world that is so quick to be judgmental I just want to close my eyes and open them when we all start behaving nice. Respecting each other for the entities that we are instead of belittling to get attention so that we can get our say. Wouldn’t that be nice? It would never happen of course because we have all been engrained to compete. Nobody wants to stay at the bottom anymore if they can trample onto those bodies that have already hit the floor.

Losing My Mind

To each there own. There must be a better way? All I want is a life that doesn’t hurt in every which way. Getting yelled at from everybody I just want to vanish into thin air. This is not the life that I dreamed about when I was a kid but I do know what it feels like when a parent stops loving you. I have never stopped loving my son I am just desperate for him to have a better life. He deserves so much love. So much happiness. When I am surrounded by so much negativity all I am trying to do is survive.

Perceived as Superficial

Those who judge without living in glass houses should never be entitled to throw stones. I am tired of having a finger wagged at me for how I choose to medicate I just wish that some people would go away. At 300 mg of effexor, zoplicon and ativan I wasn’t me. Not even close. I became somebody who wasn’t even me. I shunned away those that showed me their true colors and what side of the fence they actually lived on and I continued  on a journey that was 100% truly me. Sure it hurts when those you enjoy in life just cut you off but my life has value too.

Light It Up

Anyways that’s my daily rant and I am sticking to it. No since arguing over spilled milk because you know at the end of the day if a cat ain’t around to clean it up then I best be getting it done. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill if I can prevent it at the starting line. I know most days what I need to do to get things done it is just a matter of putting the blinders on and trying to remain incredibly focused. Committed to the task at hand like only a soul on fire could ever dream of mastering one day. Why chase the chance at finding true love when you can find it in yourself after all this time? Become your own best friend like your life depended on it and radiate your truth from the sky. Nobody can promise you that it will be worth it in the end but only you will ever know. Don’t give those who only wish to see you fail that satisfaction of finally seeing you fail. Lit it up tall and high like only you can and ever will.

Burnt Stew

Who needs to take on that uncalculated risk when we already know the results that we can at best hope for. That people in public places will act cordial in front of strangers instead of sneering a row full of sharks teeth. I wish. There are those that are just chomping at the bit “to put you in your place” and to them I giggle I school girl giggle and say “I welcome you to try your best.” See I have never waivered in who I wanted to be. I portrayal of what I thought it meant to be female in my Grandmother’s best image that is all. What some see as a “slut” I see I woman who is VERY in control of herself. So much so I chose to fire my shots artistically instead of lying to any open ear. What do you do at the end of the night when all you have left is you? Are you happy with the outcome of previous events or do you keep sobbing over burnt stew?