There are no pastures on earth that would ever make my soul finally feel at ease. I have my son stepping into the roll as my savior making me believe that he is just too young to have to bare this weight and maybe there is somewhere else for me to go. My mental illness brings me so much shame
I was always told if you have a storey that you think could impact the World then you should share it. I was also told that it could take up to 20 years to make your dreams into a reality. That doesn’t mean at 20 I can say I want to be a ballerina but take no lessons, training, etc and then get mad 20 years from now because you aren’t. This means 20 years of truly following your passion, what makes your soul sing, what makes you you.
Is it possible to live with a childlike heart without getting eatten up by the masses. That I am not entirely sure of. I spent the last year focusing on finding my smile. Doing things that I normally wouldn’t. Reminding myself of who I used to be. Before all the violence. Before all the abuse. I stopped listening to all the chatter that was trying to bind me to my past. I never really understood why some people could be so determined to destroy another being.
My weakness has always been my ability to cry at the drop of a hat. I used to get called so many names. Even my family would roll their eyes and make fun of me as being too emotional and my favourite is when I was being told to grow up. I was always apologizing for feeling things. Like feelings are invalid. I learned to cry behind closed doors. That is if I could wait that long. Being called a baby when you feel sad that soembody else’s heart hurts is the worst feeling.