Yesterday my husband decided to try out another creative insult. This time he lashed out at me, “Were you born in a barn?” To which I replied well no not exactly. I lived on a farm near my Grandparents barn and in all reality I was born in a hospital but lived in a trailer park for the first year of my life. And then he looked at me and told me to stop being stupid that it was a figurative of speech.
My biggest fear is that there is nothing so everything we did here will become lost. What would be the point of all this and all the people we stabbed in the bag and betrayed. Will our devious actions be forgiven or will they be carried beyond the grave? I could only imagine what those who have lived before think about us now and would they still fight for our lives to save. Lay their lives on the line for our more than obnoxious ways. So the only chance to save ourselves from an incredible fall from grace is to be kind to one another and try to always return a smiling face.
I will never forget that sweet grade 9 boy that gave to me so much hope. I think it is his smile I always search for in a sea of a million but have never been so lucky to find. Sometimes we are lucky and other times not so much. What I know for sure in this moment my heart he forever touched.
The proudest words I have ever heard come out of a grown man’s lips now has also become the saddest. “That tree right there I took from my Daddy’s yard and I planted it right there so he could always be here.” That huge tree staring at us from his kitchen window is probably his most valuable possession because of what it means. So I cry.
There was never a guarantee that after 30 days my anxiety and depression would instantly lift. In fact I find myself struggling more than ever. It feels like I am in the eye of the storm struggling to grab a hold of something before reality breaks off and I am lost into oblibion. Never to be seen again.
For those of us who have walked the line we know the vows that are exchanged. Sickness and health, richer or for poor, the bare basics of a loving relationship laid out for all to witness and adore.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Do you believe that born inside you is the chance to be something great if only you realized the value of your own currency. We spend our life times trying to operate in currencies that we were never destined to barter in. What a waste!
The people who get under my skin are the ones who will say anything just to be mean. They like to poke, poke, poke, poke until you finally explode and they win. You can tell by their style and their demeanour that their goal for the day is to make you feel insecure and to somehow alter your seemingly perfect day. Except for the days aren’t perfect are they? It feels like a lifetime has gone by since they have been.
I just keep hoping for a miracle that maybe one day things can change. I think where he gets confused is I don’t keep the house clean for him it is for me. The same goes for the way I decide to look or the fact I want to eat healthy or exercise it is all for me. I just have to regard him as that pesky annoying fly on the wall. The one who can care less if I do anything at all.