I will never forget that sweet grade 9 boy that gave to me so much hope. I think it is his smile I always search for in a sea of a million but have never been so lucky to find. Sometimes we are lucky and other times not so much. What I know for sure in this moment my heart he forever touched.
The proudest words I have ever heard come out of a grown man’s lips now has also become the saddest. “That tree right there I took from my Daddy’s yard and I planted it right there so he could always be here.” That huge tree staring at us from his kitchen window is probably his most valuable possession because of what it means. So I cry.
There was never a guarantee that after 30 days my anxiety and depression would instantly lift. In fact I find myself struggling more than ever. It feels like I am in the eye of the storm struggling to grab a hold of something before reality breaks off and I am lost into oblibion. Never to be seen again.
For those of us who have walked the line we know the vows that are exchanged. Sickness and health, richer or for poor, the bare basics of a loving relationship laid out for all to witness and adore.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Do you believe that born inside you is the chance to be something great if only you realized the value of your own currency. We spend our life times trying to operate in currencies that we were never destined to barter in. What a waste!
The people who get under my skin are the ones who will say anything just to be mean. They like to poke, poke, poke, poke until you finally explode and they win. You can tell by their style and their demeanour that their goal for the day is to make you feel insecure and to somehow alter your seemingly perfect day. Except for the days aren’t perfect are they? It feels like a lifetime has gone by since they have been.
I just keep hoping for a miracle that maybe one day things can change. I think where he gets confused is I don’t keep the house clean for him it is for me. The same goes for the way I decide to look or the fact I want to eat healthy or exercise it is all for me. I just have to regard him as that pesky annoying fly on the wall. The one who can care less if I do anything at all.
So maybe exercising my mind is trivial and I don’t need to dive into the lives of others that have happened before I was ever born. What would prove to be more beneficial? Getting to a place where I can bench press my body weight or trying to understand the torturous life path that others were faced to endure? Is there more value in trying to understand why some would take the lives of others in their hands and crush them to dust in their palms?
My life has slowed down dramatically and all my focus has been turned inwards. Not just on my well being but the well being of my family. The exhaustion that comes from such a hectic life is rewarded handsomely by the unconditional love that those in my care provide. Of course I have boundaries and set realistic limits but nothing drives me more than trying to make them all happy.