As I thought about the days back when we were younger, time stood still and it all made sense. I asked my Grandmother to put her arms around her and make sure that she was ok. I can not explain to you why it happened but when I opened up my eyes and hand to make my wish that is when I heard the sound of crashing glass. I did this 100 times a day why at this exact moment did glass decide to break?
This world hurts without you and I look for you in everything I do. Is this a sign from you sweetness. I need to know that you are safe and sound on the other side. It kills me to think that I delivered that final blow. I close my eyes to hear your breath in my ear. How I miss the sweet breath of your smile. There is so much life around me that for a minute it no longer hurts. Then I remember how sweet you were and how you are never coming and the wave of emotions just threatens to take over once again. I know I loved you the moment I saw you and you were my heaven brought to life. Even now I close my eyes to feel you because I am scared I will forget one day what you feel like.
Whatever it is that we believe it is up to us to own it and we shouldn’t feel fear just because it may be different than every one else. There is a reason why we are feeling what it is we are feeling even if it is just to protect our own mind. What would happen if we listened to our own authentic hearts and be damned of other people’s poisons.
We are all on an interesting journey filled with so many incredible ups and even more painful downs. There is nothing that we are experiencing that another hasn’t already faced. I know that seems impossible but there are others living similar lives to yours. No matter the pain, no matter the sorrow what heals them both is the promise of tomorrow.
My favourite advice is just get over it, but how do you just get over something that hasn’t occurred. A week and a half ago I was told there was no heartbeat but I prolonged the inevitable asking for bloodwork. I needed to know from all corners of my heart that my baby was gone and couldn’t be saved.
Have you ever been so scared of your own shadow you just want to jump and hide away? I would hide away forever if that meant my baby could finally stay. I want to hope for the best but all around me others are trying to get me to accept my fate. To all other’s tomorrow is just another date but for me when tomorrow comes I will finally know my fate.
I want to wallow in my misery I want to marinade in my own self pity. What is stopping me from going further down that way is if I stay there it goes against everything I have been feeling about the Universe and all that.
If I go through those hospital doors again like it was the first time do you promise to wake up? I guess by the time we got there you were already gone it was just so hard for us to let go. Maybe if I blamed you it would make it easier on my heart…
There are so many reasons why I want to give up. There are so many more why I won’t. When I chose to give myself up freely to the powers that may be I had no idea the directional course it would put me on. I can’t tell you what it feels like. What I know though is somewhere through all the smoke and mirrors I know that there is pain and there is hurt and if I didn’t at least try and make the World a better place… I had to at least try.
There is no denying the actuality of our life line being incredibly turbulent. No great feet was ever meet with some incredible time, patience and perseverance. What I began to notice the longer that I try to hang on for the ride is that there is always this natural instinct of knowing what is the…