What is mine is mine but if it makes you happier I will share all my posessions with you. What I value more than anything is a kindred heart and spirit, a loyal friend, an ally and those gems are worth their weight in gold. Those people I will cheer on endlessly and for them I will always have an extra spoon.
There was never a guarantee that after 30 days my anxiety and depression would instantly lift. In fact I find myself struggling more than ever. It feels like I am in the eye of the storm struggling to grab a hold of something before reality breaks off and I am lost into oblibion. Never to be seen again.
For those of us who have walked the line we know the vows that are exchanged. Sickness and health, richer or for poor, the bare basics of a loving relationship laid out for all to witness and adore.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Where others had dreams and wishes that were never brought into fruition don’t we owe it to them and ourselves to give it our best shot? Come hell or hot water don’t be scared to throw yourself out there I know somebody who will catch you and that person is me. Be honest with me and you have a friend for life. Come honest with yourself and you just may save your life.
So maybe exercising my mind is trivial and I don’t need to dive into the lives of others that have happened before I was ever born. What would prove to be more beneficial? Getting to a place where I can bench press my body weight or trying to understand the torturous life path that others were faced to endure? Is there more value in trying to understand why some would take the lives of others in their hands and crush them to dust in their palms?
My life has slowed down dramatically and all my focus has been turned inwards. Not just on my well being but the well being of my family. The exhaustion that comes from such a hectic life is rewarded handsomely by the unconditional love that those in my care provide. Of course I have boundaries and set realistic limits but nothing drives me more than trying to make them all happy.
It’s like in that one single moment you have no idea where your body ends and theirs begins. You can’t breathe, think, move or do anything. Angels saved me from indulging in the only truly love I have ever known. Say what you will about angels but I feel them everyday. They remind me what would be lost if I would have lost my mind and heart that night. Destiny has a way of nudging you in the right direction.
It’s like none of us ever existed. He washed his hands free. He has nothing to do with any of us. He hates us all for whoever is watching to see. I can’t imagine a woman who would shun her mates family. Painting them evil so you end up focusing on her white trash instead. The apples don’t fall far from the tree. How can your offspring be content in not wondering who this mysterious man in their life.
If only it were that simple. A killer doesn’t turn to one over night like we all want to think. It is an erosion of the mind, a lack of acceptance that pushes hit them beyond the brink. Imagine in elementary school trying to make friends and like an outcast you just get laughed at and shunned. You are last picked for all the games and at lunch time you sit in the corner of the field eating your bread sandwich alone.