I hate who they made me. I don’t want to be her but what choice do I have? I can’t go back even though I live through it every singe day. I can’t change the outcome ever because my fate was already sealed and I had to find a way to move on. What I found was a partner who can mimic the rage on the outside of where I found myself to be stuck living in. If only they knew the beginning I was forced to endure maybe they wouldn’t find themselves to be so critical.
Where most people have struggles I just want to help them out. It is hard to know who is there for you in a world that is growing so cold. My whole life I thought what would I do if I was able to help. I now know what I can do is encourage other people to reach out. I think that is what makes it so easy to want to identify myself as being extremely feminine. A portrayal of a woman, a wife, a mother who would do anything for those she loves most in the world.
To the aging widow who sits alone wondering where her youth has gone and when her next visitor will be. Remembering the parties and moments filled with lust as you danced long into the night in your lovers arms and would even steal away a kiss. As the days blend into nights you long for simpler times that used to make sense but now you listen to the clock tick as you wait for your last breath. Nothing prepares you for the former image that you used to be as you reduce yourself to dust that no one longs to come and see. I hug from a friend or a kiss from a loved one never quenches the fire in your heart of where your youth used to be. We move too fast to an existence that will never matter one day to the person we once were or the dreams that made us believe we could one day be.
I am spiritually connected to the other side now so my heart won’t let me. In my anti depressant haze I see this smile that lights up a room. She moves a little differently than most with a zest for life and a pep in her step. I am mesmerized by her confidence and her desire to reconnect with Mother Nature and her roots. She is raw in her true emotions but willing to love just the same. I race towards her with open arms because I am drained from these last few years. When I reach her she dissipates but I still feel her aura fill the room.
I will never forget that sweet grade 9 boy that gave to me so much hope. I think it is his smile I always search for in a sea of a million but have never been so lucky to find. Sometimes we are lucky and other times not so much. What I know for sure in this moment my heart he forever touched.
What is mine is mine but if it makes you happier I will share all my posessions with you. What I value more than anything is a kindred heart and spirit, a loyal friend, an ally and those gems are worth their weight in gold. Those people I will cheer on endlessly and for them I will always have an extra spoon.
There was never a guarantee that after 30 days my anxiety and depression would instantly lift. In fact I find myself struggling more than ever. It feels like I am in the eye of the storm struggling to grab a hold of something before reality breaks off and I am lost into oblibion. Never to be seen again.
For those of us who have walked the line we know the vows that are exchanged. Sickness and health, richer or for poor, the bare basics of a loving relationship laid out for all to witness and adore.
I think it was that memory of my friend telling me to come home. Telling me I was still remembered and loved and that it would be ok. He was my lifeline I would talk to when the demons ran rampant in my dreams and kept me awake. It was his memory that kicked me in this direction maybe out of fear and pure exhaustion. My guilt still freezes me anytime I reflect. He reached for me and I ignored him minutes later he fell hundreds of feet to his death.
Where others had dreams and wishes that were never brought into fruition don’t we owe it to them and ourselves to give it our best shot? Come hell or hot water don’t be scared to throw yourself out there I know somebody who will catch you and that person is me. Be honest with me and you have a friend for life. Come honest with yourself and you just may save your life.