I am a functioning empath. My whole insides can be ripped into shreds but there is always a time and place. I usually like to cry alone because I don’t want to upset anybody else. Maybe because it is in that pain that I know came great love. In the memory of my friend who lost his way I want to reach out to those that are at their lowest. Yes I don’t know you. But I do love you. We get to walk and live this great Earth at the same sliver in time. I don’t want to make your journey harder I want to make it better. I want to inspire you to find the way to live your greatest life possible. That no matter who you are you are worth it even in those moments of greatest despair.
I stand on top of the cliff looking down at the water beating furiously on the rocks below. Reaching my hand into my pocket I feel the envelope cold in my hands. I want to take it out again but can’t. The words written on the envelope I sent in a red scrawl taunting me…
The reality is you are always going to be somebody’s fuel to their own dumpster fire. Misery loves company and it is easiest to prey on another’s insecurities then to acknowledge your own. What do we talk most about? The joy we remember or the pain that we endured. More of us can relate to…
I have to keep asking myself if I died tomorrow would this be enough? Right now I am stuck on a tank running on empty during a gasoline drought. In the distance I see something though. Like a mirage just taunting me at times I want to move forward
“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything”
-Johnny Cash, Hurt
Is it possible to live with a childlike heart without getting eatten up by the masses. That I am not entirely sure of. I spent the last year focusing on finding my smile. Doing things that I normally wouldn’t. Reminding myself of who I used to be. Before all the violence. Before all the abuse. I stopped listening to all the chatter that was trying to bind me to my past. I never really understood why some people could be so determined to destroy another being.
I will always return to the book “How to Hepburn”, by Karen Karbo as one of my beacons to remind me of how great life can be when you play an active role in yours. Before I started on this journey of helping my life blossom. I was just the average 35 year old going back to school, trying to redefine my dreams. Trying hard not to focus on that internal clock that tells me that my hopes of being a mother are dashing. That feeling alone hangs over your head like a noose.
We assume that they don’t care for us or they are ignoring our struggle but in the reality they are struggling in their own ways. Now with the doors of Christmas coming to a close I start to ponder everything I feel inside.
That is something that isn’t really talked about to much. We are taught that dreams aren’t meant to be having. That if we stick to the course that was set out for us that we will achieve succcess. Who determines how success is defined for you. We have dissected everything down to its most literal sense and try to suppress any individuality.
Although I may walk in the shadows of some that have walked before me I am not destined to make their same mistakes. Life is about forgiveness and finding a way to all live together instead of destroying each other and the World piece by piece. As you sit there unwrapping present after present think of those that aren’t so fortunate.