Telling me being a vegetarian is annoying and inconvenient to excuse buying McDonald’s everyday is just making me insane. My son and I always enjoy our pasta, salad and veggies so it is impossible to be just me. I know. I got yelled at last night for some dirt on the counter from a cat knocking over my plant. This is where I eat he exclaimed as I stare at his crusty socks on my counter. In the middle of the counter right below his god damn shoes. But I can’t say anything can I. His house so his rules.
When I first got married I was so excited for all the home packed work lunches complete with love notes, a clean house, dinner on the table and snuggles and kisses before bed. I haven’t been hugged (well side hugs not included) since our wedding day. And the last kiss I remember feeling would fall into about the same. I miss laughing with someone and sharing a smile or too. I wish for a miracle but I know that is just moo. Not in my reality not even for a day. For now I will just keep on keeping to myself I truly have nothing more to say.
My husband always says how lucky I am to stay home with these animals like I should be kissing his feet or something. He doesn’t understand the need for personal goals. He doesn’t understand the frustration that sets in when it takes 4 hours to write a blog piece because I am always running up and down the stairs. That no sooner as I sit down either the cats are fighting, the dogs are barking or our son is screaming for the channel to be changed.
This hurts alot more than it should. At least alot more than I care to admit. If I don’t get these feelings out of me it is going to eat me up alive. Did you ever wonder what it would feel like if nobody loved you, recognized you, cared for you or even appreciated if you were around. This has become my living nightmare as I transition through day to day.
There is only so much a housewife can take before she snaps back and loses her mind. To stay in control or to lose my mind. One sounds so utterly delicious and the other so common, so mundane. I played by the rules of this game and found myself nowhere, not even close. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Maybe it’s time to mix things up again before this housewife finds herself going insane.
For those of us who have walked the line we know the vows that are exchanged. Sickness and health, richer or for poor, the bare basics of a loving relationship laid out for all to witness and adore.
It is in that simplicity in knowing that I am in fact part of a bigger picture. We all are. For no reason we find ourselves living at the same time bound by our place in eternity. This moment will soon be forgotten with nobody left to bring it back to life. That is so powerful in itself to think about.
There is no escaping the fear that comes when those in your life are content in beating you to death with your own fears. I know what I hate about myself and you do too. Why do you have to use it against me like you just found out how to use the ultimate tool. Behaviour like this just turns me off and pushes me far off farther to the side.
I have spent so much time staring in I no longer recognize that I am not included. I have learned to be kind and gentle to myself because that is always needed. And I learned more than likely when you do the right thing and you are scared of sticking out that that is when you find yourself as the odd one out.
Thinking in my head where the thoughts are moving a mile a minute I can’t help but thinking that maybe it is me. See if my husband hates me and my dad hates me than common sense it is definitely me. Maybe it is my love for “airing out dirty laundry”.