All she is is a memory with her wedding photo on my desktop to make me cry. A young woman with so much hope, virality and promise who dreamed of a family one day. One day. Now that one day is gone. Her family is still here but one day they won’t be. I need her to be around somewhere hopefully smiling down on me. When the rest of the world hates me I pray that she still loves me. I need to believe in something or I have no idea where I would end up or eventually be.
I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.
There are those beings in life that are out truly just to enjoy the very presence of your existence then there are others that will suck your soul right out if given the chance. Sometimes who we desire to be is out of our grasp and our very own reality as we fail to open up our hearts and truly see.
That is what drives me to do everything that I do. So I can be an example to him who he needs to be. Not grow up in my EXACT image but have the confidence to know that you can be anybody that you can. Sure I might have been a little bit of a beautiful disaster but I dusted myself off quite well don’t you think? For no reason why I wake up with a fire in my soul. I think my drive was given to me as a blessing when I was lost and feeling out of sorts and most definitely out of control.
I didn’t want to let go of something that was so horrendous to me. If it could happen to anybody it was more than likely going to happen to me. I grew up accustomed to the drama and all the sinking feelings that a life lived in this reality could bring and once I got the hang of it I couldn’t fathom the idea that anybody that I loved would ever have to experience a similar thing. That’s where fables and fairytales originate from, they serve as a reminder and beacon to where your heart first began beating and learned how to sing.
Today is the day an angel is finally laid to rest, but I can’t help but think about all of the angels that were laid to rest before. The beautiful beings of the lives that were never privy enough to amount to anything while some were born into everything, and we will never understand the rhyme or reason or even the what for.
The problem with life is it will always be something that we take advantage of up until the very time that death comes for a visit and decides to take everything we love away. There will be no peace for the living after death comes and has his final say.
I know that I am hated and I guess that is ok I couldn’t imagine a time in my life where I would live any differently. I think about those that once were a friend and now all I can think about is thanking them for having this memory. In a world where all I wanted was to fit in I ended up being on the out. If you can’t win for trying then preservation in life will have to do. At least that is what I keep telling myself so every morning I can start a new.
Isn’t that the irony? Those that want a happy life can’t seem to reel one in no matter how hard it is they try and others will be born with a silver spoon in their mouths and they will have no idea why. Not that they need to worry because everything they could possibly dream of would seemingly be right there. I think that is why I keep on doing what I do with little or no thought that it couldn’t be everything possible that I ever did dream without a wayward thought or care.
There is no explanation for why a soul may turn black. Maybe it starts deeper further back then we can ever comprehend. Maybe some of us were descendants of monsters incapable of finding a way to let the warmth of the light find its way in. These monsters are the ones who come out to ridicule you. Making you feel a fool when what you really should have felt was acceptance and love.