“Blow your brains out. Eat all the pills.” Your life is worthless to all those around you. Do us all a favour and say goodbye. These words have always been a part of my life in some shape or form. I am tired of those around me trying to impose their wishes that involves me paying the ultimate price. I remember trying to kill myself at 13 when I found out my boyfriend at the time was sleeping with his cousin.
Did you see what that man stealer is up to you, you better hurry up and delete and block her. If only they all knew how none of that truly matters to me. The reason why I don’t rollover and die from all my past history is because I would rather be a success somehow in life one day. Kind of the last giant F you as I leave this world and say Goodbye!! That’s right Motha F*cka I chose to make myself a great day!!!
My husband should be understanding that there is only so long before a human does move on after being ignored all these years. It’s not like I don’t tell him. I just think it is funny that a man can go insane over somebody they were just starting to get to know. I am not looking to get laid or have any sort of one night stand. I just want to finally be accepted for all the things that I am.
I wasn’t brought into this life so you can understand my journey. I was sent here for the soul purpose of trying to understand yours. When the voice of reasoning escapes your mind I wish only to give you my hand. Most others want to shine so bright that others are blinded. Me? I just want to use your light in order for me to be able to see.
Please let me know if your child is bullied, abused or dead so I can give you the firework send off that you so eagerly demand. I see ugly people and they care only about themselves. These people make living less worthy, they desecrate on the value. I can’t change the world and it’s thinking but I can change everything about me. I honour and value the sanctity of this moment and take pride with reconnecting with Mother Nature and her Earth.
I cry when I am sad and I smile when I am happy but some times I black out and I know it is from all these medications. Crying in her office I thought oh god now I have done it. They will be back at my house before I am to take my child. I wish I didn’t say anything. Through tear rimmed eyes she looked at me and smized. Well as much as one can do in that moment. She had very kind eyes. I feel comfortable and confident with my mental health in her hands. Today is the day I take a gradual step down on my meds to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side.
I guess there is humour in thinking how condescending we have been about our ancestors in our past. We ridicule them for lives lived that we will never understand than deploy the same methods that they did when we command with an open hand. When living beings aren’t treated equally and given an opportunity to thrive we have failed, when we allow those to run our countries into the ground by making consistent bad decisions we have failed. When we allow the same Holy war to be fought since the turn of time we have done more than failed we have lost the war. Was life ever meant to be beautiful for more than one person or was it only a hand full destined to live at the top?
My fear before self discovery was leaving the house and be the subject of rude stares and ridicule. There is something about a well dressed lady that serves like nails scratching on a black board instead of being more welcoming. I dress to be welcoming and maybe to appear like I have a level head. The idea that I have to hide that part of me in order to be friendly just gets on my nerves. Outside is to peoply with a high chance of aggravation when you find yourself in the wrong company.
You attract blessings by being a blessing and by putt your best energy forward. People say to just let life be and enjoy the present moment. You can do that and at the same time look for something a bit more comfortable. The present moment is only present in that very moment before it becomes history. There is value in the past, there has to be, if only we knew what to focus on and of course where to look.
For hyper active individuals and even busier minds, the practice of yoga is rather difficult. Instead of using my breathing to identify points of tension my mind wanders to dinner plans, grocery lists, a long list of things waiting to be done. Anything I can think of comes to mind all while I am trying to center my being and indulge my senses with the possibility of higher enlightenment.