I hate making excuses for those moments in life that go wrong. They happened to teach us a lesson, a moment of reckoning, and it is up to us to try and interpret its meaning. Or at least try to understand it anyways. We can’t go back to correct an incident but we can use it to bring some light into our lives. We can’t remain forever in the darkness when we have only been granted this one chance to live.
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3
Those who judge without living in glass houses should never be entitled to throw stones. I am tired of having a finger wagged at me for how I choose to medicate I just wish that some people would go away. At 300 mg of effexor, zoplicon and ativan I wasn’t me. Not even close. I became somebody who wasn’t even me. I shunned away those that showed me their true colors and what side of the fence they actually lived on and I continued on a journey that was 100% truly me. Sure it hurts when those you enjoy in life just cut you off but my life has value too.
In this life I lead it might be confusing to some but it is mine and I am trying to remain somewhat in control. My mantra is still to be the girl I was born to be before the rest of the world was hell bound and determined to take it all away.
“Blow your brains out. Eat all the pills.” Your life is worthless to all those around you. Do us all a favour and say goodbye. These words have always been a part of my life in some shape or form. I am tired of those around me trying to impose their wishes that involves me paying the ultimate price. I remember trying to kill myself at 13 when I found out my boyfriend at the time was sleeping with his cousin.
Did you see what that man stealer is up to you, you better hurry up and delete and block her. If only they all knew how none of that truly matters to me. The reason why I don’t rollover and die from all my past history is because I would rather be a success somehow in life one day. Kind of the last giant F you as I leave this world and say Goodbye!! That’s right Motha F*cka I chose to make myself a great day!!!
My husband should be understanding that there is only so long before a human does move on after being ignored all these years. It’s not like I don’t tell him. I just think it is funny that a man can go insane over somebody they were just starting to get to know. I am not looking to get laid or have any sort of one night stand. I just want to finally be accepted for all the things that I am.
I wasn’t brought into this life so you can understand my journey. I was sent here for the soul purpose of trying to understand yours. When the voice of reasoning escapes your mind I wish only to give you my hand. Most others want to shine so bright that others are blinded. Me? I just want to use your light in order for me to be able to see.
Please let me know if your child is bullied, abused or dead so I can give you the firework send off that you so eagerly demand. I see ugly people and they care only about themselves. These people make living less worthy, they desecrate on the value. I can’t change the world and it’s thinking but I can change everything about me. I honour and value the sanctity of this moment and take pride with reconnecting with Mother Nature and her Earth.
I cry when I am sad and I smile when I am happy but some times I black out and I know it is from all these medications. Crying in her office I thought oh god now I have done it. They will be back at my house before I am to take my child. I wish I didn’t say anything. Through tear rimmed eyes she looked at me and smized. Well as much as one can do in that moment. She had very kind eyes. I feel comfortable and confident with my mental health in her hands. Today is the day I take a gradual step down on my meds to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side.