My husband hates everything about me and I can no longer hear him call me a c*nt on the regular, I am pretty sure he doesn’t even remember my name. Another night of me crying myself to sleep because of all the things he insists on saying to me in front of my son. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and there is nowhere for me to run.
Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.
I am tired of being lied to or that matters of my heart are just a game. I never would have ended up here for as long as I did but he took my freedom away with little or no say. There is no niceties or trying to have my back. Just a constant barrage of insults where he is capable of going 0 to 360 flat. Agreeing to stay I was determined to live my life a little differently, trying to do the things that are impossible just to see if I was worthy of the impossible things. So far nothing has landed but I am more than determined to find out how it is possible to relate to the rest of the world.
I try. I do try but some days I just feel tired, alone and more confused. I want to connect with somebody, anybody I even see true love and connections occuring among my pets. What would it feel like to be hugged by somebody who loved me or to press my lips up against another. My body craves physical intimacy and affection I don’t want to carry this feeling of not knowing back to my grave. What I would give to be woken by the rays of the morning sun lovingly wraped in my lovers embrace.
My anxiety is crippling. I feel sick every time I move. I get sick often throughout the day. Mostly when he is berating me and trying to do everything to set me off. Does a partner purposely do everything in their power to watch a loved one fail? Today has felt like a doozy, at times I can barely breathe.
When I first got married I was so excited for all the home packed work lunches complete with love notes, a clean house, dinner on the table and snuggles and kisses before bed. I haven’t been hugged (well side hugs not included) since our wedding day. And the last kiss I remember feeling would fall into about the same. I miss laughing with someone and sharing a smile or too. I wish for a miracle but I know that is just moo. Not in my reality not even for a day. For now I will just keep on keeping to myself I truly have nothing more to say.
My husband always says how lucky I am to stay home with these animals like I should be kissing his feet or something. He doesn’t understand the need for personal goals. He doesn’t understand the frustration that sets in when it takes 4 hours to write a blog piece because I am always running up and down the stairs. That no sooner as I sit down either the cats are fighting, the dogs are barking or our son is screaming for the channel to be changed.
The building blocks to a life well lived usually start from there. To nurture those in our family is to give them our unconditional love and support. What is missing from my life is a cheerleader, somebody to help me up when I fall down. Without a husband who cares and loves me I am just a middle aged lady growing cold.
There is only so much a housewife can take before she snaps back and loses her mind. To stay in control or to lose my mind. One sounds so utterly delicious and the other so common, so mundane. I played by the rules of this game and found myself nowhere, not even close. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Maybe it’s time to mix things up again before this housewife finds herself going insane.
I just keep hoping for a miracle that maybe one day things can change. I think where he gets confused is I don’t keep the house clean for him it is for me. The same goes for the way I decide to look or the fact I want to eat healthy or exercise it is all for me. I just have to regard him as that pesky annoying fly on the wall. The one who can care less if I do anything at all.