Presence of Existence

There are those beings in life that are out truly just to enjoy the very presence of your existence then there are others that will suck your soul right out if given the chance. Sometimes who we desire to be is out of our grasp and our very own reality as we fail to open up our hearts and truly see.

Disillusioned State

That is what drives me to do everything that I do. So I can be an example to him who he needs to be. Not grow up in my EXACT image but have the confidence to know that you can be anybody that you can. Sure I might have been a little bit of a beautiful disaster but I dusted myself off quite well don’t you think? For no reason why I wake up with a fire in my soul. I think my drive was given to me as a blessing when I was lost and feeling out of sorts and most definitely out of control.

Today is the Day

Today is the day an angel is finally laid to rest, but I can’t help but think about all of the angels that were laid to rest before. The beautiful beings of the lives that were never privy enough to amount to anything while some were born into everything, and we will never understand the rhyme or reason or even the what for.

Self Preservation

I know that I am hated and I guess that is ok I couldn’t imagine a time in my life where I would live any differently. I think about those that once were a friend and now all I can think about is thanking them for having this memory. In a world where all I wanted was to fit in I ended up being on the out. If you can’t win for trying then preservation in life will have to do. At least that is what I keep telling myself so every morning I can start a new.

Beauty Runneth Deep

There is no explanation for why a soul may turn black. Maybe it starts deeper further back then we can ever comprehend. Maybe some of us were descendants of monsters incapable of finding a way to let the warmth of the light find its way in. These monsters are the ones who come out to ridicule you. Making you feel a fool when what you really should have felt was acceptance and love.

As Long As I Have My Smokes

I am tired of being lied to or that matters of my heart are just a game. I never would have ended up here for as long as I did but he took my freedom away with little or no say. There is no niceties or trying to have my back. Just a constant barrage of insults where he is capable of going 0 to 360 flat. Agreeing to stay I was determined to live my life a little differently, trying to do the things that are impossible just to see if I was worthy of the impossible things. So far nothing has landed but I am more than determined to find out how it is possible to relate to the rest of the world.

A Mother’s Promise

There will always be those that have been sent to defeat you and only you can decide if their actions are going to be ok. What I feel is that I am already on guard with my son’s teachers and for the first week of school I am going to have to say that this is not ok. I will not let them take away a his smile like school had done for me. I will spend everyday that I am breathing trying to help him in realizing that he is ok. As his mother I will do everything I can to help him and I will never abandon him so that I can have a better way. I know what it feels like when a parent you love hates you and that is one promise I will keep to my son if I am able to have my say.

On the Run

I never wanted to damage my son but what I am allowing for his father to do to us and him is more than I have ever wished or even wanted to have to wade through. I am not a dumb c*nt who is deserving to die. I don’t want to do the world a favour and let life slip me by. To hear these words that are said in front of my son makes me want to leave forever, always staying on the run.

Living On Edge

You know what I am saying. At least I think you know what I mean. I am exhausted from the sheer uphill battle of trying to find some kind of love that doesn’t exist in this place. I have watched that movie you know the one. The one that highlights the way to tell if your love interest is amorous towards you and let me tell you my husband could have played the main character in it. Always on edge I am scared to set him off. I plan my day around the mines that he has planted and pray I have time to disarm them before they all go off.

Feelings Disguised

You will get a feel about those that are truly there for you and you will be able to better manage your time. I mean I have so much going on on the day to day that I don’t want to be around those that keep blowing smoke up my skirt. Well it depends on their purpose but more often than not they are out for #1 and I don’t mean you as being that person because in their heart you will always be at least #2. Think about what that means. You are merely sh*t in their heart and eyes. I can’t be one of those people who think that I am better than many when I barely feel accepted for all the things are me and I am tired of wearing a disguise.