My decision to once again try to communicate this part of my journey to this outside world became important because of a few things. One the receptionist telling me that she has never heard of such a situation made me think just how much many of us pin our problems on our children. Then of course there is the finding the right treatment and proper care. I am going to be trying to v log the journey but we will have to see just how far we get. My husband is wanting to diagnose me as bi-polar and I told him I would be “evaluated” to appease his curiosity. I know that I am moody but I am wondering just how much of it is because I am fed up. Imagine getting talked down constantly the way I do?
I am a forever dreamer which is the intoxicating gift of what is my life. In my presence I can make you believe that anything and everything is possible and it should be because we only have this one shot and it’s a shame that most of us will never get that confidence to take. Some are very undeserving of the life that they have been given and they will one day pay the ultimate price. It will never be known exactly how but rest assured karma likes to take a bite out of the most ripest *ss. There is only so much the Universe can handle before it takes it too personal and begins fighting back. It will start with pandemics and famines then wars will rage throughout the lands. If a great reset was to occur would you be ok with all the things you have done here? If tomorrow was not promised and these last few hours were all you got, can you say you did the things you were proud of if because this the end and all you got.
The energy that is threatening to overcome me is suffocating at best. I am overwhelmed by what we as humans can excuse away before we are even capable of drawing up our last breath. There are spouses abusive towards their parents and children equally abusive to their parents where does it all end? There are so many of us who are destined for so much but we allow ourselves to deteriorate before we find out what it is all for. Of course it is overwhelmingly when it comes to the larger scheme of things. The only entity that seems to be replicating out of control is human and one day what choice will we have but to implode?
What children are capable of and will excuse it away with their small brains should be horrifying. Alarming at best. A contrast to what life was supposed to be and how it was supposed to feel and what it was supposed to all mean. I couldn’t imagine surviving childhood in the wake of the pressures of social media. I would have been an easy target and there would have been nothing I could have done to keep my head above water. As it stands I tried to end my life at 14 and then again at 19. My issue I was too terrified of what would happen if I crossed over onto the other side so I stayed. I became a hollow version of myself in that I did what was needed in order to do to stay alive. Desensitize myself to the outside world and try to keep all outside cares at bay.
In a world that is so quick to be judgmental I just want to close my eyes and open them when we all start behaving nice. Respecting each other for the entities that we are instead of belittling to get attention so that we can get our say. Wouldn’t that be nice? It would never happen of course because we have all been engrained to compete. Nobody wants to stay at the bottom anymore if they can trample onto those bodies that have already hit the floor.
As sick as this is and how heart breaking it sounds you ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS have to look out for you and yours. As awful as what is happening in this world the higher ups and make it end. They have enough money among 3 of them then the rest of us left on this planet and combined. Ask yourself why are you going to keep on breaking your back for those that would never give a thought about you. I know who was there for me do you?
My heart hurts. Of course it would. Life tends to lose all meaning as quick as it suddenly does. We all want to find our place in this timeline before we take our last breath. Everybody wants to be a gangster but do they have what it takes to keep their mouths fed? To put…
Anyways that’s my daily rant and I am sticking to it. No since arguing over spilled milk because you know at the end of the day if a cat ain’t around to clean it up then I best be getting it done. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill if I can prevent it at the starting line. I know most days what I need to do to get things done it is just a matter of putting the blinders on and trying to remain incredibly focused. Committed to the task at hand like only a soul on fire could ever dream of mastering one day. Why chase the chance at finding true love when you can find it in yourself after all this time? Become your own best friend like your life depended on it and radiate your truth from the sky. Nobody can promise you that it will be worth it in the end but only you will ever know. Don’t give those who only wish to see you fail that satisfaction of finally seeing you fail. Lit it up tall and high like only you can and ever will.
Who needs to take on that uncalculated risk when we already know the results that we can at best hope for. That people in public places will act cordial in front of strangers instead of sneering a row full of sharks teeth. I wish. There are those that are just chomping at the bit “to put you in your place” and to them I giggle I school girl giggle and say “I welcome you to try your best.” See I have never waivered in who I wanted to be. I portrayal of what I thought it meant to be female in my Grandmother’s best image that is all. What some see as a “slut” I see I woman who is VERY in control of herself. So much so I chose to fire my shots artistically instead of lying to any open ear. What do you do at the end of the night when all you have left is you? Are you happy with the outcome of previous events or do you keep sobbing over burnt stew?
Loyalty ain’t a thing no more and why does it have to be? We all come alive on a keyboard hiding the truth from all others and getting used to our filth and our lies. Not me. I can’t live like that. I am going to run fiercely in the direction that is super loving and supporting without taking a glimpse in my review as I run by. The older we get the less of a chance we have to get it right so why keep those close to us who are just waiting for us to fail and meet our demise?