Anti depressants threatened to take me down the deepest, darkest rabbit hole I have ever known. Happiness became a struggle for me and I had no idea who I was or worse who I was becoming. The reason for that is I was getting driven away from my authenticity as I began to dodge daggers from left and right. I listened as friends bashed each other like cowards while backs were turned then singing their praises like canaries like they weren’t the serpent behind them waiting to get their feed. Meh. I see bad people and they are all dressed in monotone hoping to hide their mistakes from the rest of the world. I see you and I raise you a leopard print cat suit I am not ashamed of my game that I bring to the world.
I still get shamed for all the air I can’t breath and I am entirely unsure what I ever did to deserve all this. Am I hated or just confused? How would I ever know? I know that he has never said anything nice to me and we have been married 5 years. He says I am a terrible mother and an even worse wife. There are no words he hasn’t spewed at me.
You can’t win if you don’t play and you can’t have fun if you refuse to play. Be the reason why ONE person smiles today and all those who fade to grey who say you get on their nerves. You don’t need them. Why would you? We are beautiful just because. Another day above ground to dance with the living. I will light a bowl to that just because!!! Put yourself out there. Give life a try. Cuz you know sooner or later my love, wouldn’t you know it we are all just waiting to die.
I wasn’t brought into this life so you can understand my journey. I was sent here for the soul purpose of trying to understand yours. When the voice of reasoning escapes your mind I wish only to give you my hand. Most others want to shine so bright that others are blinded. Me? I just want to use your light in order for me to be able to see.
It’s not an ego thing or vanity obsesseion that makes me live the way that I do. I love the dirt. The feeling of life. That is truly where it all begins or ends depending on which way you are looking and how far it is you have to go.
Here I could wait in limbo at least I thought I could wait but Father Time always remained in control. Whomever I was destined to be was going to happen in this lifetime so I best be putting on foot in front of the other. No amount of lingering in the past was going to change how was feeling today. All I can be is who I am in this moment and work towards a brighter day.
Another trip around the sun and I would like to think that I learned a thing or two. I try anyways to live a life full of wonder and amazement even when today’s times are challenging us not too. So here is a list of 42 things I have learned (or picked up on) in my first 42 years around the sun. These are only my insights and have no reflection regarding anybody else and their values, only mine.
When you are confident in your existence and where you are heading you don’t deplete your energy willy nilly you do so with full intention you do it slow and steady. We all want to build an empire but we don’t want to put in the work. For most nothing comes easy except life, death and taxes that is who most of us allowed our summary to read. I dare to outstretch my mind and dreams as far as they can span and I will do so accordingly. It isn’t a race and no one will win so use your time wisely and say no when you can.
The building blocks to a life well lived usually start from there. To nurture those in our family is to give them our unconditional love and support. What is missing from my life is a cheerleader, somebody to help me up when I fall down. Without a husband who cares and loves me I am just a middle aged lady growing cold.
What bothers me about being authentic is the judgemental eyes. The sideway glances and side eyes do nothing to disguise their feelings. Who doesn’t like to admire their own reflection? Perfectly paired outfits with coiffed hair and a winged eye. I think that is what makes me love the vintage era. Without mainstream media and accessibility more time was spent attending to self and family.