I was made to conform and told to not use my voice. I think that is why it gets so emotional for me when others insist on telling me that I have no choice. Oh you don’t like how it is that I spoke to you then kick rocks and blow bubbles and hit the highway. No you don’t understand it was just triggering to me. Please don’t tell me to leave and never come back. Please. I am sorry, it wasn’t me. It was my demons who are insisting on keeping any good away.
You will get a feel about those that are truly there for you and you will be able to better manage your time. I mean I have so much going on on the day to day that I don’t want to be around those that keep blowing smoke up my skirt. Well it depends on their purpose but more often than not they are out for #1 and I don’t mean you as being that person because in their heart you will always be at least #2. Think about what that means. You are merely sh*t in their heart and eyes. I can’t be one of those people who think that I am better than many when I barely feel accepted for all the things are me and I am tired of wearing a disguise.
Where do you go when you have no direction or guidance in a world that has taken everything away from you? My spouse would rather see me six feet under and that would be the same for most of my family that is still found spinning inside this world. I think it’s time I succumb to the wave that has been relentlessly hunting for me. I think then, and only then, I will become somebody who is in the end entirely me.
Love and light seems so easy but in all honesty it rarely is. There is something that burns so red hot inside of us that if not handled carefully can burn down entire villages and leave everybody singed. I think it is the confusion of not knowing where we are going or how we got here or how some people always seem to win that drives us mad. Not being content with what it is that we are given is the reason why most people start behaving bad. Truth? Think about it. We are a society who is always wanting more without putting anything in. What is the worst that can actually happen aside from committing one of those delightful seven sins.
So what if I am hated because there is always the chance that I can be liked. I think that risk is worth everything in this long, drawn out journey we call life.
At first I thought I was going to have to wear scarves to cover up my leopard spotted hair. Remember before I was always told that blonde would never be a color I could consider in this world. Where every brunette before me was up against a force I realized the power that a bottle of peroxide could actually hold. My one regret is not doing it sooner so I could have capitalized on my youth but what I have is kahuna sized balls to live a life that. However contemplating over facts for a minute I can not help to note that those that I adore from that time who chose to go blonde never got a chance to make it to middle age. Is that where maybe I can step and help others love themselves as they begin to turn old and grey.
When I see shots on my social depicting rape I don’t say anything why is it that you are determined to report lil ol me? All these sacrifices being made as you sub to your leader triggers me in all the wrong ways without you even batting an eye, but me? My PTSD and anxiety threatens to take over me. What I don’t understand is how my pot smoking triggers you even though I need this delicious elixir just to breath.
Rejection hurts doesn’t it? Especially by those that you have come to adore. The ones you look up to, to radiate sunshine will have regurgitating your lunch and sometimes more. Did they really just say that? Is that how they really feel? I had no idea they felt this way about me. Not everything is as it seems.
Where most people have struggles I just want to help them out. It is hard to know who is there for you in a world that is growing so cold. My whole life I thought what would I do if I was able to help. I now know what I can do is encourage other people to reach out. I think that is what makes it so easy to want to identify myself as being extremely feminine. A portrayal of a woman, a wife, a mother who would do anything for those she loves most in the world.
I would never sit back and watch another being fail. Not when I have the power inside of me to outstretch my hands and have a little faith. To live my life a little differently and encourage all beings out there to consider doing the same. You can’t get ahead paying over half your bill in taxes. How in this life could one ever get ahead? I think that is why we see a rise in sordid sex tales and even violence as everybody keeps escalating in their minds what they think others want to see. I for one like to keep the kink behind closed doors and in the bedroom but I do like to celebrate what makes me a woman and put on a show for everybody to see.