Depression is this insane roller coaster ride of emotions that leaves you thinking that you will never, ever be good enough. It wreaks havoc on your brain leaving you feeling entirely insane. For a while you can battle it solo, but it becomes a daunting task when those you surround yourself see no good in your being or even your name.
The only person that matters right now in this family circle hates me larger than life. There is nothing I can do to make that man happy, and I think I am about to throw in the towel at being his wife. I struggle everyday just to breathe like most do and now I am being told I am doing it to be difficult or to get attention, that accusation rips my heart out and stabs me over and over again with a knife. At night I want to disappear. Just lay my head down and just drift away. I think it has almost become utterly impossible to believe that I am worthy enough to even life for one more day.
I hate who they made me. I don’t want to be her but what choice do I have? I can’t go back even though I live through it every singe day. I can’t change the outcome ever because my fate was already sealed and I had to find a way to move on. What I found was a partner who can mimic the rage on the outside of where I found myself to be stuck living in. If only they knew the beginning I was forced to endure maybe they wouldn’t find themselves to be so critical.
There is something to be said for learning to adjust to what society has deemed a necessity for us. With cell phones attached to our hips we answer to everybody and we forget who it is we actually wanted to become. I can remember countless outings with people just to watch them on their phone. Oh this text is important to me. Let me take this call. Nah, I am good. I think I am better off at home.
Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed for when I do there is a lifetime of activities and feelings that I don’t have a lot of time to get through. The only thing I truly dream of becoming is that girl that almost 50 years ago I was brought into this life to be. My birthday is soon approaching with 43 turns around this fireball we call a sun, I am nowhere closer to having any of the answers that somebody tried to teach me long ago. I think what we forget in our arrogance is there are those in our wake who are just trying to get us to take a break and slow down. Take time to plant those seeds and grow those flowers because that is truly the essence of what a life well lived should mean.
I still get shamed for all the air I can’t breath and I am entirely unsure what I ever did to deserve all this. Am I hated or just confused? How would I ever know? I know that he has never said anything nice to me and we have been married 5 years. He says I am a terrible mother and an even worse wife. There are no words he hasn’t spewed at me.
You can’t win if you don’t play and you can’t have fun if you refuse to play. Be the reason why ONE person smiles today and all those who fade to grey who say you get on their nerves. You don’t need them. Why would you? We are beautiful just because. Another day above ground to dance with the living. I will light a bowl to that just because!!! Put yourself out there. Give life a try. Cuz you know sooner or later my love, wouldn’t you know it we are all just waiting to die.
You disrespect yourself every time you chose to ignore somebody else’s bad behaviour. Let that sink in.
Wouldn’t you know that most things aren’t as they seem. The greatest love of our lives should be the reflection we see in the mirror and not what others whisper to us. It’s up to us how we feel.
When you are confident in your existence and where you are heading you don’t deplete your energy willy nilly you do so with full intention you do it slow and steady. We all want to build an empire but we don’t want to put in the work. For most nothing comes easy except life, death and taxes that is who most of us allowed our summary to read. I dare to outstretch my mind and dreams as far as they can span and I will do so accordingly. It isn’t a race and no one will win so use your time wisely and say no when you can.