All I want to do is get better and it seems to me he wants to hold me back. Anytime I say I am not feeling well it becomes a fight and I am not kidding you it is exhausting when all I want to do is get well. It’s hard isn’t it knowing who to trust. You never quite know anybody do you and I think that is the problem. Who do you trust in a sea full of sharks? The one with the biggest belly because he is probably full.
I don’t feel like I have a friend but somebody who is conspiring against me so he can get ahead. Devoid of any type of affection I wonder just how much more I can take. I don’t think it is normal for anybody to have to live this way. His honour lies with anybody other than me. I wish he could recognize the damage that he was doing that he can see just how much he was hurting me.
There is something to be said for an existence that is irritating. Not to myself but to others that have found themselves near me. I think it is hard to hear about how so many people don’t have an acquired taste for me so I shut myself off from the world before it is my time to leave.
My social media was becoming the same way. I like to have a purpose for people to come and find me but it didn’t matter anyways because most people didn’t come and stay. Does that make sense? Kind of. It’s like I think it’s just a numbers game for most people. They think once they have you sticking around that you will always stick around so they don’t have to buy into what you are saying or giving you their support.
Isn’t oxygen one of the key ingredients to our make up so it would stand to reason that you would want to be breathing in the best. Maybe it has been all that noxious air of obscenities that has come and taken up residency inside of my lungs. I just need to keep on having the testicular fortitude to stick up for myself and demand the best of care that is specific to my tastes and therefore needs.
That’s the fear isn’t it? Not realizing our truest potential before we run out of time. I think that is what keeps moving along even though nobody lifts their head up to notice me. I am too scared of becoming obsolete that only other monsters can see.
To live vicariously with little or no fear of what is being said or even what is happening around you wouldn’t that be the most ideal way to live? You wouldn’t have to worry if anybody was around or if anybody cared to listen to you, you could go on with a full heart and live to have the grandest day.
I over analyze every thing because I am so scared that I am going to miss out. I am scared to let my true light shine out of fear it will be extinguished before I even let my heart lose to sing. One foot in the grave I suppose as I always anticipate that day. I need to think about how it is going to happen and if it is going to be painful of all things.
I thought about my son and how his school said the same thing and I thought we were in agreeance on what being medicated could even mean. It means that somebody in your general vicinity is getting tired of dealing with you so it would be easier for them if you became a zombie. No emotion. No fight as the person you became to love and know gets lost into the night. I wonder why it’s ok to stick up for my sons mood swings but it isn’t ok to stick up for me.
I think that is what makes me believe that this life we are living maybe a ruse and that we are spiraling into our own demise. Don’t you feel a little bit suppressed and beat down sometimes? Like no matter how hard you try to run away from it all that you may just become all of their lives. That the sparkle that is you, is enough to light up the night sky. I hope we all get a chance to realize that moment before we take our last breath and die.