What I just experienced in the last 24 hours was something so cold and callous I had to shut off electronics just to survive. I couldn’t let the system manipulate my senses like she intended on doing. What just happened to me is the biggest flaw in the system and it is the reason why so many refuse to conform . Why just a system that looks for human errors then hangs us out to dry. The words, “I came to make an example out of you,” curdle inside my brain.
You disrespect yourself every time you chose to ignore somebody else’s bad behaviour. Let that sink in.
Maybe that is where we get stuck the most is we tend to over think. Just relax. There will always be those that are out there trying to distract you and honestly just pay no mind. A cat doesn’t question when his next nap is coming. He has full belief it will come. Even in the darkest hours of abandonment they find rest. Peace comes when they finally find acceptance and a window perch that they will always forever be able to reset their head.
Dirt. I love dirt. I will call you home again one day. Well maybe not. Or maybe so. I just want to be somebody who lives. Tired of working to pay another’s lavish life I will no longer buy into all those backwards traditions that we now take as gospel. The mindset we have in order to just get buy is mind blowing and that is the gift I was given when I was first brought into this land. Not to this land as in this country but the form of life that I get to live.
Then my break came and I went to message you back but you were already gone. Still here in this World but caught in limbo as your heart and mind worked together to try and decide in which direction you were going to go. It took everything inside of me not to run to your bedside but how could I even explain it? How would it ever had made sense? Come back to me. I miss your friendship. I remember now. I remember why you always came back for me and periodically checked in. You were there weren’t you? You were the voice on the other end of the phone.
At the same I am getting told off by some narcissist sliding into my DM’s with the latest dick pick I am also getting told off by my husband. I hate saying anything. Most times I just freeze up and become mute. On one end I am getting called a douche because I don’t want to respond to this hyper sexualized person as my husband arrives home to dictate my day.
I imagine my life a lot differently. It’s terrifying to walk out on the edge and stare into the abyss and wonder just what if I lived my life a little differently? What if I dared to try to live my life without conventional mainstream purpose but came to accept my place in nature and in life as I come to find?
Here I could wait in limbo at least I thought I could wait but Father Time always remained in control. Whomever I was destined to be was going to happen in this lifetime so I best be putting on foot in front of the other. No amount of lingering in the past was going to change how was feeling today. All I can be is who I am in this moment and work towards a brighter day.
Some die together. Most die alone. Does that change the value of our story or the way that it gets told? Everything happens for a reason. This, that and the other thing. Don’t you want to feel what it feels like to be happy? Don’t you want to know what it feels like when your heart begins to sing? Dreams are dreams for a reason till reality snaps back. It reminds us of our higher purpose bringing to us peace and happiness, oh how I like that sound of that ring.
When this choice presented itself to me it was a no brainer, but has now left me dazed and confused as the idea of reopening that cesspool of worms that had me logging off of Facebook in the first place. To be real it actually triggers me greatly signing myself up again to be subject to all that negativity and bullying abuse.