I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.
Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.
I didn’t want to let go of something that was so horrendous to me. If it could happen to anybody it was more than likely going to happen to me. I grew up accustomed to the drama and all the sinking feelings that a life lived in this reality could bring and once I got the hang of it I couldn’t fathom the idea that anybody that I loved would ever have to experience a similar thing. That’s where fables and fairytales originate from, they serve as a reminder and beacon to where your heart first began beating and learned how to sing.
Today is the day an angel is finally laid to rest, but I can’t help but think about all of the angels that were laid to rest before. The beautiful beings of the lives that were never privy enough to amount to anything while some were born into everything, and we will never understand the rhyme or reason or even the what for.
The problem with life is it will always be something that we take advantage of up until the very time that death comes for a visit and decides to take everything we love away. There will be no peace for the living after death comes and has his final say.
I am exhausted and heartbroken and even I know when a relationship is done. I just find it hard, and I am struggling because I am not going anywhere without my son.
We need to speak out of these horrors in order to educate others how to better make decisions that will forever impact their lives. Of course, I don’t think I would change the fact that I attended high school parties or that I will forbid my son from doing the same. It is a rite of passage that we all go through. For some reason or another they always take the innocent that walk among us to serve as a beacon so that the light can always shine thru. It has to be somebody that was adored by many before alcohol struck and took their innocence away. Isn’t that something short of a blessing that our angels could not remember what the devils who walk around us could possibly do.
Isn’t that the irony? Those that want a happy life can’t seem to reel one in no matter how hard it is they try and others will be born with a silver spoon in their mouths and they will have no idea why. Not that they need to worry because everything they could possibly dream of would seemingly be right there. I think that is why I keep on doing what I do with little or no thought that it couldn’t be everything possible that I ever did dream without a wayward thought or care.
There is no explanation for why a soul may turn black. Maybe it starts deeper further back then we can ever comprehend. Maybe some of us were descendants of monsters incapable of finding a way to let the warmth of the light find its way in. These monsters are the ones who come out to ridicule you. Making you feel a fool when what you really should have felt was acceptance and love.
I am tired of being lied to or that matters of my heart are just a game. I never would have ended up here for as long as I did but he took my freedom away with little or no say. There is no niceties or trying to have my back. Just a constant barrage of insults where he is capable of going 0 to 360 flat. Agreeing to stay I was determined to live my life a little differently, trying to do the things that are impossible just to see if I was worthy of the impossible things. So far nothing has landed but I am more than determined to find out how it is possible to relate to the rest of the world.