When armed with a secret that you promised not to tell it burns a hole in your mind till you are shouting it from the roof tops. Losing friends I thought I made in this impossible journey I know as my life I see now the were just an obstacle that was standing in my way. They were sent to try and upset the balance of my inner peace and to try once again to dull my shine.
Maybe that is the biggest lie ever told. Instead of living to die maybe we are dying to live always in a rush in the opposite direction. What choice do we have but to live in the image that makes us happiest, at least that will be in a language we can understand.
i hear so much about everybody else being triggered by such and such events and try to paint it so they are always the one victimized. Just the other day I posted a pick about clearly consensual sex between three people at the Calgary Stampede. My thinking was of course we are the dirtiest province in Canada with the highest COVID # we are home to the Calgary Trampede.
Friends like you are a dime a dozen. I can take a walk in any park and come out of it way wiser than any deep conversation I have ever shared with you. I won’t be sad because it is over. I won’t even remember you come next year. Where once you were a ray of light you are now a dark poisonous thundercloud laying in wait to take the next soul down with you.
I am tired. I am scared. I am lonely. I am obsolete.
My biggest fear in this life is never being worthy of my Dad’s love. The pain that resides in the hole that he left in my heart is a reminder just how worthless that I am. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I did something to somebody and now I am paying the price. Just like in the words echoed to me by my Grandfather right before Alzheimer’s took him, “How can you love somebody like me?”
The only demon mind that I should fear is that of my own. Only she has been made of my weakness and only her version of me can stop me from being able to shine. One a living nightmare the other lost in a dream. Both are versions of me and both forever intertwined.
You were one of the lucky ones. You showed no symptoms but in your path of destruction you took many along with you. You became the angel of death as you took the most precious gift from those we love. You took their lives because you deemed your’s to be worth more. You decided that in your march of freedom you took mine.
There wasn’t much to do but conceive children and try to maintain the health and prosperity of all. Divorce was frowned upon because once the deed was signed you truly became the property of the man. The older you became the least valuable you were. The best you could hope to be was a teacher or tutor for somebody else’s kids, a constant reminder of how you failed as a woman.
With the blind leading the blind and all others left to go astray, I will retire myself to the mountainside far away from where others will go. I never wanted to turn my back on humanity but humanity has turned their back on me. I don’t want to live in a world so self righteous when all I truly want is a chance to just live my life and simply be.