Those who put their lives on the line pay the ultimate price. They become a lamb to slaughter. They are the ultimate sacrifice. The irony is lost when we scorn those who sacrificed humans at their altars in order to bring peace to their land. We do the same thing everyday in the form of tanks, missiles and A bombs. Even if you live to tell the tale coming home from war makes it so you want to die. What some are made to endure at the hands of freedom should never have to pay that ultimate price. Where we went wrong as humans is we put a price on salvation than taxed everybody per head. We made it impossible for the Jonese’s we made it almost inevitable for the masses to stop breaking bread. We are sheep preparing for slaughter and it is worse than most of us think. We lost the intrinsic value to life for us all.. I wonder how far as humans we can all eventually sink.
The problem when you find yourself to be left out all alone it does make you vulnerable to predators and other like minded beasts that come alive at night. We feel only as safe as our mind will allow us to conceive. Some feel safe all alone with nobody left to guide them and others feel discombobulated and out of sorts. It leads to the question if nobody is around to validate your existence does that mean that your life had failed to exist at all? To some maybe yes. To others maybe no. That is why we are able to feel something for those that we have never met because we come alive in our similarities that haunt us long after we put our feet in the grave.
Time slips by so fast so we want to be in the game more times than we are left sitting on the bench. They say we regret 99% of the shots we don’t take so what is the harm if we just sit out just this one? This one could be all the difference. This one could change a life. In fact all you need is one to make you feel good and just one to help turn out the lights. It takes just one to check in on you in that loving sort of way. It takes one to lovingly hold you and keep the bad one at bay and away. What I wouldn’t do to have somebody on my side. It is exhausted waiting to take part in my own life but I don’t want to do anything to extreme. I am happy in just existing, too scared in knowing how good anything else could feel.
What I wouldn’t give to have somebody I can share my secrets with. My heart literally beats right out of my chest. My animals are my salvation and they are my saving grace. They remind me how it feels to be loved and adored. Watch the way they look up at you and wait for you to sit down. They are the first to want to sit beside you and get a hug or too or even maybe a pet. They don’t care if you are still in your pajamas or if you forgot to wash your face. All they want is you in that moment and that is a feeling you will never be able to forget or erase.
Have you ever had to sit in a room with who you thought was loving family only to be called a c*nt and made to feel shame for choices you made when you were a kid. Every have a family member laugh at you for being raped and wondering why you always cry? I demand the life I want because what people have taught me is they don’t give a f*ck about me. Now I sit here in my own vomit wondering if this life is all worth it with frenemies like that.
Walk a mile in my shoes unless I am bored and prone to coming unglued than all bets are off. These type of people are just a waste of time in my mind. Why even bother showing up if you hate everything about me and who I once was? All I was trying to do was survive a serious of continuous unfortunate events and be around the people I love. Is there people out there that even love me anymore or have all of them begin to weed themselves out and die? I wish I could feel something other than all this pain. The reel of my life plays more like a Hollywood movie than a country girl who only dared to dream.
I hate that she had both back feet in the grave before you decided to give her away? What I want to do is scream in your face and ask you WHY? If you hated her so much why couldn’t I have her earlier? Why did you keep her only to profit off her death and make it so her life was somebody else’s problem!!! You didn’t even give her a treat in the 8 years of her life. Lord please help me now with forgiveness because this anger is making me so blind. I want to reject everything it means to be human because I can never think that way. As much as I wanted to run as she was dying I had to stay. Death came around me twice this past week now I am wondering now is it my time to pay?
This world hurts without you and I look for you in everything I do. Is this a sign from you sweetness. I need to know that you are safe and sound on the other side. It kills me to think that I delivered that final blow. I close my eyes to hear your breath in my ear. How I miss the sweet breath of your smile. There is so much life around me that for a minute it no longer hurts. Then I remember how sweet you were and how you are never coming and the wave of emotions just threatens to take over once again. I know I loved you the moment I saw you and you were my heaven brought to life. Even now I close my eyes to feel you because I am scared I will forget one day what you feel like.
The vet warned me for what could possibly happen and I mean all the POSSIBILITIES. As death came for her she climbed up my arm. She took her final breath in my ear and then collapsed down into my arms. The whole time I told her I would never let her go and what I meant by that was the memories and love that we shared. Her heart, soul and spirit. As the Vet checked her vitals and told me she was gone I didn’t feel the cold movement of energy that one normally feels. What I felt was the crystals beside her burning red hot into my hands. I didn’t want the vet to see them so I tucked them quickly inside my bra. The hardest part was giving up her body. I kept running to kiss her head just one more time alright maybe two. In death I normally feel the severance of energy but I didn’t feel it with her this time. Lucy, my sweet, Lucy please wait for me on the other side.
Real honest good people don’t shame people for their choices on how they chose to try and live. Most of us are barely holding on gripping on to the fear that the wrong person will find out about our mental illness or PTSD or former addictions that we will insult those that are brave enough to bring it to your attention. I said it once and I said it before a Doctor is the reason that I baby dropped right of me in front of my son and husband not cannabis but prescriptions. Not only that but I asked her POINT BLANK if this is a side affect which it is KNOWN for and she said NO!!! Shots fired Karen looking down at me like your sh*t don’t stink claiming that you are an advocate for ALL life except for the ones who smoke weed am I right?