Every which way I turn my head I am confronted with the way we have all failed. We had one job and one job only and that was to live compassionately but we decided to throw all that and then some out the window instead. Be nice unless there is value in beating Bob then hit him over the head. Nobody is watching you anyways and can you believe all the things that he said? Listen to him go on and on about how much better he is than all of us. Is that a greenback I see coming out of his wallet? Oh hell that is like a thousand dollars sitting there just waiting for me. Then there is consequences to your actions to which there is none. As long as you say you are sorry and promise to repeat that offending action again. Do you know how many murderers I have crossed path with that have only served 1/3 of their time? Pedophiles? Rapists? I kid you not.
So it’s common knowledge that my home is not so happy and all my family, including in-laws, are basically estranged. One day I hope to mend the bridges that keep us so divided but not with everybody only some and that is only if I have the strength to withstand it. What becomes of me if I have nobody to share my secrets with and if there are no ears that I can entrust? I feel that suffocating pain that comes when forced to live another day when you can’t make out what to think of it.
That is what Hollywood and mainstream media needs you to believe. If you aren’t getting off then there is something wrong with you. You must be crazed, baked or badly damaged to live a life that not many others are used to. I get that and I think about that a lot. The whole concept of value. What is the point on connecting with so many beings when you can’t take all these beings and connections with you? Focus on what is important and that is what is closest to your heart. The ones who gave you this chance to come alive and explore the living and maybe some good health. I am just a housewife with family morals that still reach me from far beyond the grave. If you believed your ancestors were good people wouldn’t that be enough to make you want to behave?
You tell me my aging mother can’t possibly see because she never visits. You forget right before the pandemic hit she was in a car accident and then she ended up going blind. She has been waiting for 2 plus years to get surgery and I know it kills her that I can no longer text her pictures that she can see. Imagine driving a 7 plus hour trip when you can’t even see!! What the f is wrong with this man who will say everything under the sun to hurt me. You want to tell me to die and tell my son that his mom’s side of the family doesn’t even care if he is alive, well I can say the same damn thing about yours and yours is only minutes away. Tell me whose priorities are a little more than messed up, huh? When push comes to shove I know who is real and can you even say the say damn thing? I am tired of these words that you have curated to cut me open so you can watch me bleed out. To those that are still living I am fully awake now and if you aren’t already with me you are about to one day soon find out.
Yes we need to look out for number one but not at the expense of another. Never at the expense of another. You would never speak down against somebody when you can see that what they are speaking of is the truth. Their raw innocence becomes to much for some souls to bare so they resort to violence in the most archaic of ways. To have no reason to hate on one another other than plain old jealousy has been a story as old as time. We all learned about Shakespearean plays that spoke volumes to these facts that would confirm that most humans would kill form fame, fortune and matters of the heart.
Be all that you were born to be before it is too late. Don’t mind what others are saying about you in time what is being said will become just the faintest of whispers. It shouldn’t matter as much who is kind to you as long as you are being kind to yourself. You can make a mountain out of a molehill or you can turn it into a strawberry field for all to feed. You will never know who you will become until you can step outside of the shadows and finally live free.
Once a file is reported it stays there for life. The only time somebody can be called to testify is if they are deep inside a grave. What if something else is coming up that they are about to go down for and I can be called to attest to their character by any event. I need to know who this employee was, what connections they have and where did they send my information? “Don’t worry ma’am.” I am worried ma’am because the rise in violence is going through the roof. If all you need me to do today is go to some website then at the very least can you remember my name. My name is Amy Berukoff and I called you today. I have a family, The Donaldson’s and I just need you to know our names. If something happens to us and you just let us slip on bye. I need you to know you were our first point of contact and now it is our time to go.
In the absence of a soul mate if you aren’t living the life you were destined to do will you in essence fall apart? Would you allow the spirit of what you don’t have grind you into dust and drive you to focus on the shame. I am done trying to relate to those who aren’t even in the game. Can you do what needs to be done before time hits you on the head and you are already forgotten? Not me. Not this time. I have had so much taken from me already that I vowed that never ever will I feel insecure again. In the absence of a soul mate I am still my Grandmother’s Daughter who insists on watching me quietly from above. I wish I could give her more. Lord knows I tried. I will live every day in her honour because she was an amazing woman who gave me life and in the end there is no love greater than that.
We all don’t have to get along and like each other but we don’t have to be somebody who is prepared to do a cover up for one monster. At the time I felt I had no choice. In essence I never did. I always insisted on being kept out of the information circle. My heart would not be able to cover up so mean. Those people are no longer in my life and maybe I am too quick to judge. The thought is not everybody is meant for everybody so I will just gravitate towards those that fuel my soul. Not every does and not everybody will. Family will feel like strangers and when that happens you will think you failed. You don’t have to be around those just because you share the same proverbial blood. Be around those that lift you up the highest and want to see you succeed in life than continuously fail.
When I asked my father about God and why we didn’t go to church he told me the answers that others were so desperate to seek lay deep down inside of me. That those who needed reassurance in another entity or being needed to come together in such a way. I had to ask these questions as the closest friend I have ever known had welcomed Jesus into her life everyday. What does that mean? What about me? As a young girl trying to understand the living this little piece of information was devastating to me. How can some follow while others are led astray? And what does this have to do with being human when we are constantly worrying about salvation and what lays in wait on the other side. Can’t we all just live? Why can’t we all just be free?