I guess I shouldn’t focus too much on all the names that he calls me but it is getting very hard not to. I know I am worth more than his constant bursts of anger and all the venomous filth he likes to throw onto me. I know I am weird by most standards and I know for sure I am not everybody’s cup of tea but aren’t we all worthy of a little human compassion? Even the weird ones like me?
I realize that this is what makes me human and I am not sure how much more I can take but I will. I will keep on trying to make a difference in my life and into the next. I wonder how this all started and if I will return to a place that will one day all make sense. I want it to and even if it doesn’t I will still rise again until the one day that I physically can’t. I hope that you will too. Even in our most depressed state we are worthy and yes that means I am talking about you.
I keep to myself for the most part because what other beings are capable of has broken my heart and left me feeling depraived. When forced to witness what others will do just to get ahead makes me thankful in this moment that I am told to eat sh*t instead. Yes it hurts to constantly get belittled inside these 4 walls and house but at least I know where the attacks are coming from and I could never say the same about anybody else.
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3
Moments like these cement our place in the world. They remind us what it means to be human and that there is nothing out there like a Mother’s love. I needed the reminder how much he needs me but I wish it never had to happen like this. You never know how far your heart can sink until another being is the reason why your heart cries. Watching him while he sleeps he is my angel here on Earth. I need to protect him and love him for as long as I can and always remind him of how much he is worth.
Yesterday my husband decided to try out another creative insult. This time he lashed out at me, “Were you born in a barn?” To which I replied well no not exactly. I lived on a farm near my Grandparents barn and in all reality I was born in a hospital but lived in a trailer park for the first year of my life. And then he looked at me and told me to stop being stupid that it was a figurative of speech.
Why did you disrupt the timeline in the manner that you did then ran away before even paying the price? There is always a price to pay didn’t you know? So I paid it and I will have no qualms about choosing to do so again. I know who I am and what a breathe for. There is no entity of being out their that can ever sway me or make me lose all control. Well never to that extent again and not in the way they need me to be. I think I have evolved more as a person to continue believing all that.
Silenced. After a day of chaos trying to get a mi use so I can hear my inner child is driving me insane. Believing I have a partner in life who would actually like to succeed instead of driving me into an early grave. What I noticed about the meticulous way he dominants my daily life that I am incapable of having any sort of friends. I am weird. Chronically misunderstood and my mind is getting pushed to the limits and I am officially insane.
My biggest fear is what people say when you are around so I chose not to be. I live like I was 5 years old again to scared to be noticed but also too scared that nobody will notice me. Those that speak ill of those they claim to be friends with have me heading for the hills. Bonus points for being ugly when you laugh at another’s domestic situation and how those caught in that web are subject to abuse. There is no beauty to be found in another person’s demise. These are the people who make living ugly and have me pulling out my hair.
When I wake tomorrow a part of me wishes for a different life. A life free of being another’s proverbial punching bag and a life where I am worthy of being loved and other warm fuzzy human feelings of reciprocation. After you have been void of even the simplest of human emotions your body begins to shut down. You forget what it even means to be human anyways and you become easily angered and full of fear. The lies that have been handed down to you through the years tarnish what makes you human and desecrated on your ancestors grave.