Imagine living this existence and I don’t mean just any existence I mean I have lived this life before. Somewhere between being a young girl and coming of age my eyes were wide open to what a relationship could possibly mean and I was scared of knowing more.
Tag: #abuse #emotionalabuse #domesticviolence #narcissisticabuse #narcissist #gaslighting #trauma #healing #survivor #mentalhealth #love #domesticabuse #sociopath #ptsd #narcissism #toxicrelationships
A Life Filled With Hate
Will I ever have a good night’s sleep again? Will I ever have a day that is filled with smiles and all of this abuse. I know what he is doing is designed to make me feel weak and keep feeling like I am the one that is crazy wondering what I did in this lifetime to deserve all this hurt. I can’t remember how it feels to not have to live this way. Is this life better than the solo life I lived at 37? I think the verdict is still out on that.
Because I am Weird
I guess I shouldn’t focus too much on all the names that he calls me but it is getting very hard not to. I know I am worth more than his constant bursts of anger and all the venomous filth he likes to throw onto me. I know I am weird by most standards and I know for sure I am not everybody’s cup of tea but aren’t we all worthy of a little human compassion? Even the weird ones like me?
I realize that this is what makes me human and I am not sure how much more I can take but I will. I will keep on trying to make a difference in my life and into the next. I wonder how this all started and if I will return to a place that will one day all make sense. I want it to and even if it doesn’t I will still rise again until the one day that I physically can’t. I hope that you will too. Even in our most depressed state we are worthy and yes that means I am talking about you.
I keep to myself for the most part because what other beings are capable of has broken my heart and left me feeling depraived. When forced to witness what others will do just to get ahead makes me thankful in this moment that I am told to eat sh*t instead. Yes it hurts to constantly get belittled inside these 4 walls and house but at least I know where the attacks are coming from and I could never say the same about anybody else.
Broken Too Young
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3
He Hit My Son
Moments like these cement our place in the world. They remind us what it means to be human and that there is nothing out there like a Mother’s love. I needed the reminder how much he needs me but I wish it never had to happen like this. You never know how far your heart can sink until another being is the reason why your heart cries. Watching him while he sleeps he is my angel here on Earth. I need to protect him and love him for as long as I can and always remind him of how much he is worth.
Growing Up in a Barn
Yesterday my husband decided to try out another creative insult. This time he lashed out at me, “Were you born in a barn?” To which I replied well no not exactly. I lived on a farm near my Grandparents barn and in all reality I was born in a hospital but lived in a trailer park for the first year of my life. And then he looked at me and told me to stop being stupid that it was a figurative of speech.
Why did you disrupt the timeline in the manner that you did then ran away before even paying the price? There is always a price to pay didn’t you know? So I paid it and I will have no qualms about choosing to do so again. I know who I am and what a breathe for. There is no entity of being out their that can ever sway me or make me lose all control. Well never to that extent again and not in the way they need me to be. I think I have evolved more as a person to continue believing all that.
Silenced. After a day of chaos trying to get a mi use so I can hear my inner child is driving me insane. Believing I have a partner in life who would actually like to succeed instead of driving me into an early grave. What I noticed about the meticulous way he dominants my daily life that I am incapable of having any sort of friends. I am weird. Chronically misunderstood and my mind is getting pushed to the limits and I am officially insane.
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